What is not uncommon is for someone to continually end up in relationships with people who are unable to be there for them. Ending up with people who are ‘emotionally unavailable’ is then going to be the norm.
The outcome of this is that when they have been in a relationship, they will have been deprived of the emotional and perhaps physical nutrients that they needed. They would then have been in a relationship but it will have been as though they were single.
During this time, they are likely to have typically felt alone, ignored, invisible, unimportant, unloved, and worthless and rejected. Their need for affection might have also largely been overlooked, with them being desperate to be touched and held.
Now, if this is how most of their relationships have been, it is not going to be a surprise if they question whether they ever want to be in another relationship. An area of their life that should generally have a positive effect on their life will cause them to suffer.
The Same Old Story
However, as their need to connect deeply to another person won’t go away, it might not be long until they end up in another relationship. This could be something that takes place after a number of months or even years have passed.
Once again, though, the same thing could take place all over again and, at this point, they could end up feeling extremely angry and then fall into a deep emotional hole. They could come to the conclusion that there is very little that they can do and that their life will always be this way.
A Natural Consequence
As there will be what they want and what they get, it is to be expected that they would be this way. What can also play a part here is that they may have done a number of the ‘right’ things to make themselves more desirable.
For example, they may have worked on their appearance, improved their wardrobe, become more masculine or feminine and earned more money. But although they will have ticked a number of the right boxes, this won’t have had much of an impact on this area of their life.
If they were to talk about this area of their life to a friend or family member, they could end up being told that they just haven’t met the right one yet and/or that they are simply unlucky. It will then be essential for them to be patient.
Then again, they could end up being told that this is just what men/women are like and that there is not much that they can do. According to them, their best bet will be to accept that this is just how life is.
With that aside, the truth is that one is not powerless when it comes to this area of their life, but, in order for them to realise this, they will need to keep in mind that they are not just their conscious mind. Along with this part of them, they also have an unconscious mind.
The former is just a small part of them that is fairly weak, while the latter is a big part of them that is very strong. Therefore, if they want one thing but are getting something else entirely, it is likely to show that this other part of them wants something else.
It’s in their Hands
Without this understanding in place, there is going to be no reason for them to see themselves as anything but a powerless victim. With this understanding in place, they will be able to get a sense of how powerful they are.
Upon hearing this, they could wonder why this other part of them is causing them to experience life in this way. As they are suffering, they could struggle to understand what this part of them is gaining from it.
Frozen In Time
There is a strong chance that how they feel when they are in a relationship is how they felt throughout their developmental years. Yet, as what took place will have been repressed very early on and forgotten about by their conscious mind, they won’t have been able to join the dots, so to speak.
During this time, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place and they would have struggled to try to be loved by their parent’s or parents’. But, as one or both of them were probably unable to love them, this would have been futile.
Many, many years will have passed but the child that they once were will now live inside them and will continue to do what it can to try to gain its parent’s or parents’ love. This part of them, via transference, will see other people as its parent.
Furthermore, it will cause them to co-create situations that are very similar to what it was like for them very early on and this is why they will end up being drawn to people who can’t love them, so that they can struggle to receive the love that they missed out on. The trouble is that not only won’t these people be able to love them but that the time for them to fulfil these developmental needs will be over.
Drawing the Line
Taking this into account, if they were to end up with someone who can love them, it is unlikely to be very long until the relationship comes to an end. What this comes down to is that this person won’t allow this part of them to struggle for love.
To put an end to this and to feel comfortable with someone who is able to love them, they will need to face the pain and the developmental needs that were not met. By emotionally, not just mentally, accepting what happened and no longer trying to receive the love that their parent’s or parents’ couldn’t give them, they will be able to truly put the past behind them.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.