Transformational Writing
  • Home
  • Latest Articles
  • About
    • About
    • Influential People
    • Testimonials
    • Recommended Reading
    • Videos
  • Shop
    • Audio Books
    • Books
    • Courses
    • How-To Guides
  • Work With Me
    • Book Writing Guidance
    • Consultations
    • Free Consultation
  • Articles
    • Abuse
    • Behaviour
    • Boundaries
    • Communication
    • Defence Mechanisms
    • Emotional Intelligence
    • Happiness
    • Men's Psychology
    • Movie Metaphors
    • My Blog
    • Relationships
    • Self Image
    • Self Realisation
    • Social Causes
    • The Ego Mind
    • Therapy
    • Women's Psychology
  • Contact

Love: Why Do Some People Find It Hard To Love Themselves?

27/9/2013

20 Comments

 
Just because someone would like to love and appreciate themselves, it doesn’t mean that one finds this easy or even possible to do. But, this love is not an adaption and what appears when one doesn’t love themselves.

Here, something known as unhealthy narcissism can appear; with one having an exaggerated sense of importance. And while this can be perceived as a form of love, it is nothing more than a cover up for how they really feel on the inside.

And if one doesn’t go to this extreme when it comes to certain areas of their life, they can just behave in ways that show their internal image. So they won’t be seen as acting superior or more than others, they will come across as being inferior and less than others.

It is also possible for the person who feels superior, as well as the person who feels inferior, to fluctuate form one position to the other. In one context they could feel above others and in another, they could feel very low. As can someone who feels very low a lot of the time could find themselves feeling good about themselves in some situations.

Self love

So when it comes to self love, it is not about one having a heightened sense of self or a lower sense of who they are. What is does relate to is one appreciating and valuing who they are and ultimately being comfortable in their own skin.

Here, one feels comfortable in their body and knows that it is safe to be who they are. This is all about the body and has very little to do with the mind. To live in the mind, is to live an unstable existence.

The mind is always operating from a place of duality. So to feel inferior or superior is normal if one is stuck in their head. What can cause someone to live in their head and to leave their body is when pain has built up in the body.

It then feels safer to live this way and to reject the body. And while it might feel safer, it is also a lot less stable and unlikely to be too peaceful.

Conflict

When someone doesn’t feel comfortable in their body and lives in their head, it is clear that some kind of conflict is taking place. This could be what one has picked up in their adult years and go back to what is still hanging on from their childhood years.

And as this is the case, one is unable to settle into their body and feel at ease with who they are. What is going on is that one is getting caught up in what doesn’t belong inside them.

This means that one’s thoughts, feelings and emotions are not in alignment with ones true nature and they are being influenced by what could be described as parasites that shouldn’t even be there.

The Mind

One approach is to simply deal with the mind and the thoughts and ideas that it produces. Here, the focus is on one changing their thoughts and seeing themselves differently. And through this process, one will start to ‘believe’ in who they are. As a common belief is that one’s thoughts create their feelings and emotions, by changing their thoughts, they will change everything else.

The outlook here is that something needs to be added in order for one to appreciate who they are. Human beings are then seen as nothing more than programmable machines and as this is the case, they can be programmed to believe anything.

Based on this, it is the programming that needs to be changed to another type of programming, in order for someone to feel comfortable with themselves. And as the mind can believe or disbelieve anything, this makes a lot of sense.

The Body

However, while the body is often just seen as a lump of meat and as something that is completely controlled by the brain in one’s head, there is a lot more to it. The body has wisdom of its own and this is often overlooked.

What is going on in one’s mind, is often nothing more than a reflection of what is going on in their body. But this vital information and wisdom is not going to see the light of day if one has rejected their body.

Thoughts

So one can have thoughts that cause them to feel uncomfortable in their own skin and these could be classed as the reasons they feel as they do. If one connects to their body, they will notice feelings and these feelings cause the mind to think in certain ways.

These feelings can include: shame, guilt, emptiness, worthlessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, fear, rejection, abandonment and suicidal feelings.  By feeling shame, the mind will construct certain thoughts that correspond with shame.

These could be: that one is useless; that they don’t deserve anything; that other people look down on them and that other people want to humiliate them, amongst other such thoughts.

Just Love Yourself

It is common for one to say to another that they should just love themselves or that they need to love who they are. And this can sound so simple and easy that it can make the other person feel useless for not loving themselves in the first place.

But clearly, it is not as easy as this and can require some serious work on oneself. One could change their thoughts and just deal with the mind. Or they could place their attention on the body. It is likely that they are carrying trapped feelings and emotions.

And these are causing them to think in certain ways and stopping them from feeling at ease in their body. When these are released, it will enable one to get back into their body and to feel safe there. Their body, heart and mind can then work together, as opposed to being against each other.

Awareness

It is then not a case of adding anything in order for one to love themselves; what it is really about is letting go of what doesn’t belong in one’s body.

These trapped feelings and emotions in one’s body will need to be faced and released. As this takes place, one will start to feel comfortable in their body and their mind will also begin to settle down.

This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer who allows one to face them and gradually release them.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
20 Comments
paragk link
28/9/2013 11:21:13 pm

An mind inspiring post Oliver. Keep up the good work.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
29/9/2013 05:33:57 am

Hello Paragk,

thank you for getting in touch.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Deanna DeLaura link
13/5/2014 09:30:42 am

This is a great article, extremely eye opening and helpful. Your articles are the most sensible and relatable! There are so many people struggling with this.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
13/5/2014 10:17:36 am

Hello Deanna,

thank you for your kind words. I'm pleased to hear it has made a difference. If there is anything else I can do, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Oliver

Reply
Sarah Mutombo
5/7/2014 09:32:57 am

Wow.
This is just wow, it's left me speechless.
Thank you so much for writing this article, it's helped me to understand many things that would frustrate me and make me just neglect it once and for all.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
5/7/2014 10:29:25 am

Hello Sarah,

you're welcome. I am pleased that you have been assisted by the article.

If I can do anything else, let me know.

Oliver

Reply
DaTrell britt
11/5/2015 11:14:14 pm

I've been having trouble with my mind and body over the last year and a half . unable to pinpoint the problem this article is very helpful piece. almost like it was about me personally

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
12/5/2015 03:41:36 am

Hello,

I'm pleased to hear that this article has assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Linett
20/10/2016 01:36:34 am

Good article it helped but im struggling because I have no self worth as I continue to let someone constantly hurt me verbally abused.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
20/10/2016 09:49:03 am

Hello Linett,

I hope you seek the right support and dont suffer in silence.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Bianca
14/4/2017 01:32:33 pm

It is true that shedding illusions or letting go is the way to go as opposed to making more fantasies or masks to hide behind. Even if they are comforting its irrational at best.

I let go of the video games I (my inner child) was holding onto. I had wonderful memories with them and felt sad when I let them go! At the age of 32, I can finally manage to keep my room tidy. Strange how those two were linked together??? Holding on really can become toxic.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
14/4/2017 03:02:15 pm

Hello Bianca,

thank you for your comment.

Keep up the good work,.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Lucy Muzia
12/5/2017 07:09:45 pm

this is very educative. to be honest i was not expecting this. but truly i am amazed at your perspective of this topic. keep it up..

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
13/5/2017 09:21:26 am

Hello Lucy,

thank you for your feedback. I'm pleased to hear that it has assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Greg lamb
3/7/2017 08:58:52 am

Your article resonated with my soul, I saved your article for my mother and others to read so that they might have a better understanding of my life's struggle, I have been hurt by so many people, most significantly my mother who is a castrating narcissist, who cut my Dad down at every turn.
She sexually humiliated me at age 14! I've been struggling with suicidal feelings, due to the inability to have a meaningful long term relationship with a woman, at age 56. It should be said that I have seen a few psychologists they have not helped me. I believe that I may have a mild case of Aspergers!

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
3/7/2017 12:09:47 pm

Hello Greg,

thank you for your feedback.

I'm sorry to hear about what you have been through.An abusive mother can cause so much damage to a child, and a father who allows this behavior also causes a lot of harm.

I do offer coaching - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/coaching.html

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
miguel
6/12/2017 03:39:06 pm

you didn't site any sources to further more explain how your information was accurate, also you have a grammar error

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
6/12/2017 06:29:36 pm

Hello Miguel,

when I read your comment it was as if I had submitted this article for an exam.

It is not my intention to prove that anything I write is "accurate", I am simply sharing my views. I am on my own journey, just like everyone else.

So, come to your own conclusion about whether it is accurate or not. Trust your own judgement.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Marlien
30/6/2018 04:10:58 pm

Thank you. It felt like this article was written for me. But where do I start with the healing process?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
29/9/2018 08:19:58 pm

Hello Marlien,

thank you for your feedback.

One option would be for you to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or healer.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.


    Picture

    Oliver JR Cooper

    Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.


    Free Consultation
    ​To book your free 15-minute consultation, click here.

    Disclaimer
    That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.





    My Books...
    Picture
    Inner Child - How To Heal Your Inner Child
    Picture
    Self-Awareness: How To Develop Self-Awareness
    Picture
    Purpose: How To Find Your Purpose
    Picture
    Anxiety: How To Deal With Your Anxiety
    Picture
    Breakups - How To Get Over A Breakup
    Picture
    ​Fear Of Abandonment - How To Heal Your Fear Of Abandonment
    Picture
    ​​Self-Love - How To Develop Self-Love And Self-Worth
    Picture
    ​Child Abuse And Neglect - How To Heal From Child Abuse And Neglect
    Picture
    Mother-Enmeshed Man – How To No Longer Be A Mother-Enmeshed Man

    To hear about my latest articles, videos, books, how-to guides and courses, and live broadcasts, along with other updates, sign up below -

Subscribe to Newsletter
Copyright © 2022 Oliver JR Cooper. All Rights Reserved.
  • Home
  • Latest Articles
  • About
    • About
    • Influential People
    • Testimonials
    • Recommended Reading
    • Videos
  • Shop
    • Audio Books
    • Books
    • Courses
    • How-To Guides
  • Work With Me
    • Book Writing Guidance
    • Consultations
    • Free Consultation
  • Articles
    • Abuse
    • Behaviour
    • Boundaries
    • Communication
    • Defence Mechanisms
    • Emotional Intelligence
    • Happiness
    • Men's Psychology
    • Movie Metaphors
    • My Blog
    • Relationships
    • Self Image
    • Self Realisation
    • Social Causes
    • The Ego Mind
    • Therapy
    • Women's Psychology
  • Contact