It is often said that more men need to get in touch how they feel and to feel comfortable enough to express what is taking place within them. Said another way, they need to embrace their feminine side.
However, while this is what is often said, it doesn’t mean that this is the only challenge that some men have. What is also an issue is that a lot of men are out of touch with their masculine side.
One Extreme to the Other
With this in mind, it might be more accurate to say that a lot of men need to feel comfortable enough to stand their ground and to take action, among other things. If men were, in general, too ‘hard’ in the past; they are now, in general, too ‘soft’.
But if a man doesn’t come across in this way, it could mean that he will feel the need to throw his weight away. This is then a way for him to compensate for how weak he feels on the inside.
A Number of Factors
There are clearly a number of things to consider when it comes to how so many men behave in the western world. For one thing, so many men grew up without a father, or had a father who was emotionally unavailable.
The lack of male guidance doesn’t end there, though, as during a man’s time in the education system, he may have mainly had female teachers. There is also the effect that the media has.
A Negative View
Here, men are often portrayed as being ‘bad’ and as the gender that needs to be dealt with in order to make the world a better place. The identity politics of the left, for instance, is all about bashing men and most of the media is left leaning.
But even if a man doesn’t pay attention to his source of information, it doesn’t mean that he will miss out on all this propaganda. This is because the entertainment industry is also permeated by the same ideology.
So, while men (white men in particular) are often seen as being ‘privileged’, it might be more appropriate to say that they are under attack and undermined by society. Taking into account the average man’s early years and the kind of conditioning that he would have received as time went by; it is not hard to comprehend why a man would find it hard to assert himself in the world.
If he wasn’t given the care that he needed to feel good about himself as a young boy, it can be hard for him to receive positive feedback that he needs as an adult. What he hears in the media, and other sources, can just validate what he already believes about himself at deeper level.
A Closer Look
When a man can’t assert himself and finds it hard to feel good, for instance, it is naturally going to have a big effect on his life. The part of him that wants to take action and to achieve things is going to be immobilised.
And as this part of his nature is not being expressed, it can cause him to suffer from depression. His life won’t be going as he wants it to, but he can feel powerless to do anything about it.
As a result of this, he could be addicted to different things, which is going to make him feel even worse. If he can’t assert himself, it is likely to show that he lacks a strong sense of self.
What this will mean is that he will lack boundaries, meaning that he can end up being tossed around by life. Instead of being the centre of his own world, he can act as though he is an extension of others.
Two Big Areas
It is then highly unlikely that he will have a successful career, he could have menial job; if he does do something that he enjoys, he might not allow himself to go to the next level. His relationships might not be any better, either.
If he is in a relationship with a woman, he might be used to being walked over and abused; then again, he might be with woman who treats him well, but he could find it hard to commit to her. But if he is not with a woman, he could have been with a number of women who didn’t treat him well or who he couldn’t commit to, or he might not even have been with a woman before.
It would be easy to say that what a man has gone through in the education system and the programming he has received by the media, for instance, is just as powerful as what took place when he was younger. What this would overlook is that there are men who would have had a different childhood experience and, thus, have not been effected in the same way by the society that they live in.
With this in mind, if a man is out of touch with this own masculinity, it is going to be vital for him to look into what took place during his formative years. Doing so might shed some light as to why he is experiencing life in this way.
If he grew up without a father during this time, or had a father who wasn’t emotionally available, it may have meant that his mother got too close to him. This is often described as ‘emotional incest’, with this being what happens when a parent looks to their child to give them what should be provided by another adult.
What this would then have done is stopped him from being able to individuate, thereby stopping him from being able to develop in the right way. Being treated in this way, may have caused him to feel special on one side and to hate his mother on the other.
As it wasn’t possible for him to individuate, this would have stopped him from being able to develop boundaries and a strong sense of self. He would stay in a symbiotic state, being nothing more than an extension of his mother.
The masculine part of his nature, the part that wanted to assert itself and to break away, would have been rejected. Instead, he would have felt guilty and ashamed of this part of his nature, and, out of his need to please his mother, he would have stayed small, emotionally dependent and emasculated.
He can hate his mother, his father, and himself, and while it would be easy to focus exclusively on the damage that his mother caused, his dad also played a part by not being there for him. Out of his need to protect his mother, he may feel more comfortable getting angry at his father, and there could be moments when he internalises his anger, with this causing him to feel down and worthless.
Through being emotionally enmeshed to his mother, it can be normal for him to not only have the need to please her, but to have the need to please women in general; with this being a matter of survival. The hate he feels towards his own father can also be directed towards other men, authority figures in particular.
Physically, he will be a man, but emotionally, he will be wounded boy. Embracing his masculine aspect and developing a strong sense of self is not necessarily going to be easy, yet it can be done.
Firstly, he can feel the need to stay loyal to his mother, and it will then be essential for him to stay small, undeveloped, and to please her. Secondly, there can be the trauma that he will need to work through.
If a man can relate to this, and wants to change his life, it might be a good idea for him to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.