While both men and women are emotional beings, it can, at times, appear as though some men are not. It wouldn’t be right to say that this only applies to men, though, as some women can be just as disconnected.
Nonetheless, when a man comes across in this way, it can show that he is strongly identified with his mind. Operating from here will allow him to experience a fair amount of control over how he feels.
If a feeling comes up that causes him to feel uncomfortable, he could soon end up pushing it down. Feelings like this could be seen in the same way that a gardener sees weeds, with them needing be removed straight away.
The structured and rational part of him, well then deal with the unstructured and irrational part of him. This can be seen as something that will allow him to think straight and not to behave in ways that are destructive.
A Strong Reaction
If he was to come across someone who is acting emotional, he may end up judging their behaviour. This person can be seen as being weak and lacking what is takes to control themselves.
Their criticism may be even more severe if they were to come across another man who acts in this way. This man could be seen as someone who needs to pull themselves together.
A Break Up
Let’s say that he was to come across a man who is in a lot of pain due to having recently broken up with his partner. This may be a time when he tells the guy that there are plenty of women out there and that he shouldn’t be so upset.
According to this man, the key will be for him to simply get his mind straight and, once this takes place, he will no longer be upset. Said another way, his emotions will only be out of control because his mind is out of control.
A Simple Process
It is then not going to matter if this guy is feeling depressed or even experiences suicidal thoughts, as changing what is going on in his mind will solve everything. What this man may also recommend is that he focuses on other areas of his life.
One idea he could put forward is that by lifting heavy weights, it will allow him to ‘get over’ his ex. Physical force, along with mental force, then, is going to be like a magic wand that will get this guy back on track.
The Same Approach
What this could show is that this man behaves in the same way whenever he has experienced a break up. Embracing how he felt afterwards would most likely have been seen as being a sign of weakness and a complete waste of time.
Focusing on his ex and being overwhelmed by how he felt would have stopped him from being able to fulfil his goals. Feeling sad and down may have been seen as a sign of self-pity and thereby, having no benefit to his life.
The Power of Focus
He is likely to believe that his mind is in control of how he feels, so controlling his thoughts will be is what has allowed him to master his feelings. Not embracing how he feels is then not going to mean that he is repressing how he feels; it is just that he is not getting caught up in how he feels.
And, if his mind isn’t right, he might soon end up coming into contact with his negative feelings. It will be as if there are only two options: either he controls his emotions or his emotions control him.
The Dominator Model
In the same way that nature is often seen as something that needs to be dominated, his emotions will be seen in the same way. Embracing how he feels is then not part of being strong; this can only take place by resisting how he feels.
The alternative would be for the man to be able to embrace how he feels, without getting caught up in how he feels. When this happens, he will be containing his emotional experience, neither repressing not venting his emotions.
This will enable his mind and his body to work together, which will allow him to operate as a whole human being. What this will allow him to see is that while his thoughts can affect how he feels, what is taking place in his mind can simply trigger the feelings that are already in his body.
As a result of this, changing is thoughts or lifting weights, for instance, is not going to deal with his emotions if he is in a lot of pain after a break up. This doesn’t mean that he should languish in self-pity and sit around doing nothing while his life slips away; it means that another approach will be needed.
One way that he may be able to let go of this pain is by crying it out. This will then be a time when he will surrender to how he feels as opposed to trying to change how he feels through force or willpower.
Surrendering to how he feels will be a feminine approach, but it will take great strength to do this. Trying to change how he feels, on the other hand, would be a masculine approach, but this would be a defence that he utilises because he is unable to face how he feels.
Taking all this into account, it would be accurate to say that it takes a lot of inner strength for a man to face how he feels, with this being something that takes a fair amount of presence. Pushing emotions down might be a sign of a strong mind, but this is not the same as being an embodied human being who has presence.
If a man hasn’t developed this presence and can only deal with his emotions by avoiding them, he may need to reach out for external support. Through working with a therapist or a healer, for instance, and working through his pain, he will gradually develop the ability to be with how he feels and to feel comfortable enough to reach out when this is not possible.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.