In the book ‘Manhood’ by Steve Biddulph, there is a section where he says that “a deep aversion to shame has become wired in to male biology.” The reason that is put forward for is that “throughout history, women are most sexually attracted to high-status males”.
What this means is that if a man experiences shame, it will be interpreted to mean that his status is lower than other men’s. The outcome of this is that he won’t be seen as sexually attractive to women, which will stop him from being able to attract a mate and pass his genes on.
An Unconscious Process
It is unlikely that this is something that a man consciously thinks about if he experiences shame; nevertheless, it can be running just outside of his awareness. So, even if he is not aware of it, it is still going to influence his life.
What is also going to have an effect is how often a man experiences shame. If a man only experiences shame from time to time it might not be an issue, but if he is stuck in shame, it will be a very different story.
What will be experienced with prolonged shame is the feeling of being inherently worthless and flawed. Through feeling this way, a man can believe that he will end up being ostracised by his fellow human beings.
Thus, even if the ‘attracting a mate part’ is seen as having no basis in reality or was just put to one side; being stuck in shame is still going to be incredibly difficult. When shame is experienced for a prolonged period of time, it could be described as ‘toxic shame’.
A Number of Options
If a man’s being is basically loaded with toxic shame, there a number of things that can take place. He could give in to how he feels, which could mean that he will often feel down and depressed and that he will end up living a miserable existence.
Alternatively, he could disconnect from how he feels, becoming shameless in the process. He can then come across as someone who is supremely confident, be highly successful and need an endless amount of positive feedback.
A Different Reaction
The former will be defined by his shame, while the later will see himself as a walking god. This is not always what takes place as a man could create a layer of rage that generally allows him to keep his shame at bay.
A man like this could often end up in a lot of fights and he may have even been in prison. If he was to embrace his shame, he would emotionally collapse and have no energy; whereas when he is consumed by rage, he will feel powerful and be full of energy.
If a man is loaded with toxic shame, it could be due to what took place during his formative years. Perhaps this was a time in his life when he experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect.
Ultimately, how he was treated had nothing to do with his value as a human being; it was simply a reflection of what was going on for his caregiver/s (or whoever it was who treated him badly). But, as he was egocentric at this stage of his life, he would have taken it personally.
How Can I Serve You?
There will be the beliefs that he formed during this time and the emotional wounds that he experienced. If you can relate to what I have written and need additional support, one of the ways that I can provide this is through the personalised consultations that I offer via Skype or Zoom.
To find out more, please go to www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/consultations. If you are committed to your own healing, it would be an honour to assist you on your journey.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
Self-Love - How To Develop Self-Love And Self-Worth