When someone comes into contact with a man who is emotionally entangled with his mother and thus, is focused on her needs and neglects himself, it can be hard for them to comprehend why he would be this way. As they are on the outside, so to speak, they will be able to see clearly that he is living in the wrong way.
He will be a man who has his own life to lead, so there will be no reason for him to be preoccupied with his mother and her needs. What he should be doing is focusing on his own needs and doing what he can to build up his own life.
For the man who is in this position, however, it might not be possible for him to realise that he is living in the wrong way. Thanks to how long he will have lived this way, this can just be what is normal.
As a result of this, what the person on the outside can see will be something that he is unable to see. In a way, it will be as though he has been put into a trance that stops him from being able to face reality.
Naturally, for his life to change, he will need to shake himself out of or be shaken out of, the state that he is in. Unless this takes place, there will be no reason for him to change his behaviour as he will perceive life and himself in the same way.
Most likely, in order for him to see clearly, something will need to take place externally. This doesn’t mean that what takes place will have nothing to do with him, as it will still be a manifestation of what is taking place within him.
The Need Is There
Deep within him, there will be a small part of him that knows that something isn’t right and wants his life to change. It will be this part that will play a part in what will take place externally to shake him up.
This can mean that he will end up getting into a relationship and/or have a breakdown. What one or both of these things can do is allow him to become aware of what he hasn’t been able to see for so long.
Still, even if this was to take place, it doesn’t mean that he will just accept the fact that he is too focused on his mother and will start to change his life. This can be a time when he will deny that this is the case and will want to carry on as normal.
But, over time, his defences could start to fall away and he might be able to face reality. Nonetheless, even if this was to take place, it doesn’t mean that it will be plain sailing from this point onwards.
Opening Pandora’s Box
For a very long time, he will have been wearing a mask and not only hidden his needs, but also hidden his true feelings. Thus, as he starts to become aware of what is going on, he will also start to get in touch with a lot of inner material that has been pushed out of his conscious awareness.
When he thinks about living his own life, let alone actually living his own life, he can be filled with shame and guilt, and he can experience fear and anxiety. Due to this, he won’t just be able to change his behaviour.
All at Sea
Listening to himself and behaving how wants to behave is then going to be seen as something that is both wrong and a threat to his survival. Taking this into account, it won’t be much of a surprise that he has neglected himself for so long.
Ultimately, this is what should feel comfortable; it shouldn’t be seen as something that is bad and a threat to his survival. What is clear is that he won’t feel mentally and emotionally strong.
A Very Low Place
For him to settle himself down and keep it together, he will need to continue to behave in the same way. So, he won’t feel good about himself or have the ability to handle his emotions, and this will give him the need to please his mother.
One way to understand what it is like for him, at a mental and emotional level, would be to imagine that he is like someone who has been heavily beaten up and can’t get off the ground. This will show low and weak he will feel; he simply won’t have the self-love, self-worth, or the inner strength to just draw the line with his mother and to live his own life.
Back In Time
To understand why he is in such a bad way, it will be necessary to take look into what may have taken place during his early years. This was probably a time when his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
To survive, he would have had to lose touch with his own needs and to be there for his mother. Naturally, this would have caused him to suffer but he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it.
A Living Hell
If he did express his needs, he would have probably been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. Keeping his needs to himself may have decreased the number of times that he was harmed or left but it wouldn’t have allowed him to receive what he needed to be able to grow and develop.
He would have suffered immensely and he would have just had to tolerate what was going on. Along with the part that his mother unconsciously did to destroy him, there would have also been what his father unconsciously did.
This may have been a time when his father wasn’t around, which would have meant that he wasn’t there to pull him out of his mothers world and to give him the support, encouragement and guidance that he needed to grow into a man. Irrespective of whether his father wanted to, he would have abandoned him.
On the other hand, his father may have been around but he might not have been emotionally available and he may have been abusive. Once again he wouldn’t have provided him with what he needed and, to top it off, he would have greatly undermined him.
If a man can relate to this and is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.