If a man is focused on his mother and does what he can to take care of her needs, it will mean that his life revolves around her. It won’t matter that he will have his own needs and life to lead.
Nevertheless, although this is what will be going on, the man might not even be aware of the fact that he is neglecting himself. What this will probably illustrate is that, due to how long he has been this way, this will just be what is normal.
A Lot to Handle
With this in mind, if his mother was to pass on, it is likely to be very difficult for him to handle her loss. Naturally, it would be hard for just about any man to handle the loss of his mother; what is different in this case is that she would have been the centre of his life.
It was then not that his mother was another part of his life; it was that his mother was the most important part of his life. So, now that she is no longer around, it is not going to be a surprise if he is in a very bad way.
All at Sea
Although he will be an adult, he could feel like a powerless and dependent child. As a result of this, it will be as though a small boy has lost his mother, not a fully grown man.
To say that he will be sad can be an understatement; it can be as if he is drowning in sadness. He will be on the ground, then, but emotionally speaking, he will be in a very deep hole.
At other times, he could end up disconnecting from how he feels and be deeply depressed. This will stop him from being able to feel anything but, on the plus side, it will give him a break from the deep pain that he is in.
Getting out of bed can be a challenge and he might not be able to function at work, that’s if he has a job. If he was to reach out for support at this stage, and this could be something that another person encourages him to do, he could end up being put on medication or having counselling.
Now, regardless of if this does or doesn’t take place, he can feel like he no longer has a reason to be alive. This is because his mother, the person who gave his life meaning, will no longer be here.
If he does have a job and other interests, this can stop him from completely losing touch with reality and going inside himself. But if not, he could end up more or less pulling away from life and becoming a hermit.
Keeping His Distance
Assuming that he is not in a relationship, he might not have the desire to be in one, even as the weeks, months and years pass. If he was to think about being in a relationship, he could end up being overwhelmed with guilt.
There is the chance that part of him will believe that this mother will come back one day and his life will return back to how it was before. This can be seen as a defence that his mind will use to stop him from coming into contact with some of the pain that he is in.
The truth is that if he was to start a relationship, he wouldn’t be doing anything wrong or being disloyal; he would be doing the right thing. He would be taking care of his needs and doing what is right for him.
Also, no matter what defences his mind utilises, his mother is not going to come back; her time on this earth has come to an end. However, even though his mother has passed on and is no longer around to direct his life, she will continue to live on inside him.
The mother that he had very early on, the mother who would have probably used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs, will have been internalised. What this means is that it doesn’t matter that his mother is no longer there to punish, disapprove of and/or abandon him if he expresses a need, as she will be in his own head making sure that he behaves in a certain way.
Expressing his own needs and living his own life will still be seen as a threat to his survival. This is why, other than not doing things for his mother as she is no longer be around, he can do his best to live in the same way.
A way out
Thanks to his mind's defences, and the feelings that he will experience, that will make it more or less impossible for him to face reality, he can be this way for the rest of his life. What took place during his early years will then end up defining his life forever.
If a small part of him wants to experience life differently and believes that this is possible, he will have the chance to change his life. It doesn’t matter how small this part is as it will grow as time passes, providing he takes action.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.