Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Be Addicted To Porn?

If a man is in a position where practically his whole life revolves around his mother, it is likely to show that he doesn’t feel comfortable with his own needs. Along with this, he is unlikely to even be in touch with his own needs.

Therefore, he will be out of balance but he won’t realise this. But, even if he does realise this, he probably won’t feel comfortable doing anything about it, and he probably won’t believe that he can do anything about it either.

Self-Neglect

So, as he will be ignoring a number of his needs, it will naturally have a negative effect on his wellbeing. His basic needs are going to be met, such as his need to sleep and eat, for instance, but that will be about it.

Yet, when it comes to his need to be valued and connect with a woman, these needs are likely to seldom if ever be met. He is then not going to be living a life where he is thriving; he will be living a life where he is more or less surviving.

The First

When it comes to why he is unable to meet this first need, it can be because he doesn’t have any close friends, works in a soul-destroying environment, and is taken for granted by his mother. Not having people in his life who can see and mirror his value is going to deprive him.

This will then play a part in the ‘negative’ thoughts and feelings that he is likely to experience. If he often feels down and depressed, this will play a part in why this is.

The Second

When it comes to why he is unable to connect with a woman, it will come down to the fact that he is too focused on his mother. His need to be seen and heard by a woman and to experience affection is not going to be met.

At the same time, even if he is in a relationship with a woman, it is unlikely to be much different. The reason for this is that he might not allow himself to be seen and heard by her or to get close to her.

Inner Conflict

Assuming that he is not in a relationship, if he was to embrace and express his need to connect with a woman, he could feel guilty and ashamed. To no longer feel this way, he could soon suppress this need.

Instead of this need being normal and him doing the right thing by trying to meet it, it will be seen as something that is wrong and he would then be doing the wrong thing by trying to meet it. What this is likely to illustrate is that, deep down, he sees himself as nothing more than his mother's possession and, thus, he would be betraying her if he did what he wanted.

One Option

Now, to deal with the tension and frustration that builds up inside him, he can spend a fair amount of time masturbating to porn. Of course, this won’t allow him to change what is going on or to meet his needs.

But, as a result of what is going on for him, behaving in this way will make it easier for him to keep it together and function. Another part of this is that he will be able to vicariously meet some of the needs that a woman would meet without feeling guilty and ashamed and as though he is betraying his mother.

Multilayered

From the outside, then, it can seem as if he is dependent on porn and that this is an issue that he needs to deal with. In reality, this will be nothing more than a symptom of a much bigger issue.

So, if he was to stop looking at porn, he would no longer be able to vicariously meet certain needs or to release tension and frustration. This could cause him to have a breakdown, or he could end up finding another escape.

A Strange Scenario

As he is a separate individual who has his own needs and feelings and life to lead, living his own life should be what feels comfortable. Along with this, his desire to be with a woman is not something that is bad and he is not betraying anyone by meeting this need.

This is likely to illustrate that he was deprived of the love that he needed during his formative years. During this stage of his life, his mother is likely to have been developmentally stunted and consumed by her own needs, with her using him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs.

The Message

Consequently, he would have been forced to be there for her, having no choice but to abandon himself. And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad.

Another part of this is that expressing them would have been seen as something that would cause him to be disproved of, rejected and/or abandoned. The outcome of this is that he wouldn’t have been able to emotionally separate from her and develop a strong sense of self; he would have been deeply traumatised and stayed in an emotionally dependent state.

Drawing the Line

With this in mind, for him to move forward, there will be beliefs that he needs to question, pain for him to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs for him to experience. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

If he purely focuses on his mind and overlooks his emotional body, he is unlikely to truly move on. The pain, unmet developmental needs and parts of himself that he had to repress all those years ago to survive will stay inside him, anchoring him to his past.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk