Once a man gets to the stage where he realises that he is emotionally entangled with his mother, he could end up experiencing a lot of anger and rage. He could see that not only was he used during his younger years but he has continued to be used.
For so long, this won’t have stood out and now, this will be something that is perfectly clear. Still, although he will be experiencing a lot of “negative” feelings, he will now be on the path to liberating himself.
An Important Point
In fact, as he has got to this point, it is likely to show that he has unconsciously, if not consciously, been on this path for a little while. The reason for this is that for him to have arrived at this point and to be angry, he would have needed to experience an inner shift.
If this hadn’t taken place, he would have most likely continued to put up with what was going on. When it comes to what has changed within him, this can show that he has started to value himself more.
Drawing the Line
By having a stronger sense of his own inherent value, neglecting himself is not going to have the same appeal. Now, this doesn’t mean that he will no longer behave in the same way; no, what it means is that it will be a lot harder for him to do so.
Naturally, a big part of him will still feel the need to behave in the same way. This part of him, a part that can be seen as being unhealthy, will need to be gradually be phased out by the smaller part of him that is healthy.
The unhealthy part of him will have been in control for most of his life and is not just going to give up. To this part, being there for others and his mother, in particular, will be what feels comfortable.
It won’t matter that behaving in this way is causing him to suffer and live a miserable existence. Like a dog with a bone, this part will hold on and if he tries to fight this part, it will just create even more pain and strengthen the life that he is currently living.
The Main Problem
Right now, it could seem as though his mother is solely responsible for what took place. After all, she will be the one who used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs; it won’t have been anyone else.
He could believe that if she was actually there for him very early on and provided him what he needed, as opposed to forcing him to be there for her, his life would be very different now. There is no doubt that this would have helped but there is also the effect that his father had.
Up until this point, it might not have even crossed his mind that his father has played a part in what he is like. What this can illustrate is that his father was either not around or he was around but emotionally unavailable.
His father, if he was around and emotionally available, would have played a part in pulling him out of his mothers world and providing him with the support, guidance and encouragement that he needed to gradually stand on his own two feet and step into his own power. With this in mind, as he wasn’t around or he was around but wasn’t emotionally present, he would have also caused a lot of damage.
One way to look at this would be for the man to imagine that when he was in his mother’s world he was in the sea and in order for him to get out of the water (the feminine); he needed his father to reach out and guide him onto dry land. He would then have gone from being all at sea to gradually settling down, finding his centre and inner strength (the masculine).
Upon reflecting on this, he could end up experiencing a lot of anger and rage towards his father. He could feel deeply betrayed by him and feel rejected, unwanted and abandoned.
The truth is that both his mother and father wouldn’t have consciously harmed him; this would have been something that took place due to the fact that they were essentially asleep. Even so, what they did and didn’t do would have deeply wounded him.
The former wouldn’t have given him what he needed to feel emotionally whole and complete, while the latter wouldn’t have him what he needed to grow into a strong, courageous and capable adult. It can then seem as if a mother-enmeshed man was only wounded by and has an issue with his mother, yet this is just one part of it.
A man in this position is then going to have to heal both his inner mother and father. As he changes these two parts, he will gradually become more loving to himself and feel stronger, and this will allow him to live a life that is worth living.
Moreover, by changing his inner world, his behaviour will change towards his mother and his father. What this demonstrates is that the way for him to change his life is to change his inner world and as this takes place, his outer world will change.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.