Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Experience A Conflict Between His Thoughts And Feelings?
For as long as a man, who is entangled with his mother, is not aware of the fact that he is this way, he is likely to be out of touch with most of his needs and feelings. By being this way, he will have no trouble being there for his mother and focusing on her needs.
This is likely to just be what is normal and, therefore, there will be no need for him to change his behaviour, even though behaving in this way won’t truly be serving him. In order to stop himself from facing reality, he is likely to have a number of defences in place.
Thanks to these defences, he won’t be able to see that he is neglecting himself and is out of balance. Whenever feelings and thoughts arise that would shed light on the fact that he is neglecting himself, he is likely to push them out of his awareness.
This can typically be something that takes place unconsciously, meaning that he generally won’t be aware of what he is doing. What this will show is that he has a strong need to carry on behaving in the same way.
Behaving in this way is not going to be serving him, then, and yet he will feel compelled to behave in this way. From the outside, it will be clear is that he is his own worst enemy.
Regardless of what his mother is like, he will be the one who tolerating what is going on and is not standing up for himself. If he truly valued himself, he wouldn’t allow what is taking place to continue.
The Main Issue
However, although this is something that he needs to change, this won’t take place until he becomes aware of the fact that he is too caught up in his mother’s life. He needs to “wake up” and see what is going on.
This probably won’t just be a case of waking up and that’s the end of him being unaware of what is going. The reason for this is that once he has seen what is going on, he can still have moments when he will fall back into how he was before.
What can allow him to “wake up” for the first time is being in a relationship. As his partner is on the outside, she will be able to clearly see what is going on and will be able to pass this information onto him.
At first, there is likely to be resistance but, as time passes, he can come to accept that what she is saying is accurate. Still, as he is likely to continue to behave in the same way after this insight has been accepted, she could experience a fair amount of frustration.
Now, once a big part of him can accept that he is living in the wrong way and his need to live his own life grows, he can find that it is not possible for him to just take the next step. At an intellectual level, he will want one thing but, at an emotional level, he will want something else entirely.
It can be as though he is fighting an inner battle, and due to how strong the emotional part of him is, it may appear to be a battle that he can’t win. So, this part of his being won’t be supporting him; it will be making his life harder.
The Only Way
He may believe that the only way his life will change is if he is able to get rid of this part of his being. This part of him will be far too strong for his intellect; his emotional self will be like a storm and his intellect will be like a small fire.
When he does go against how he has behaved for most of his life, he is likely to feel guilty and ashamed, and he could experience fear and anxiety. These feelings will dominate his intellect and it will be as though he has no control over himself, let alone his life.
What’s going on?
How he feels when he puts himself first and no longer focuses on his mother is likely to be a consequence of what he experienced as a child. At this stage of his life, his mother most likely used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
If he expressed his needs, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. Not only would expressing his needs have caused him to experience a negative reaction, but it would have also put his very survival at risk.
Consequently, he would have lost touch with his true self and he wouldn’t have received the nutrients that he needed to be able to grow and develop, and he would have experienced a lot of pain. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but his emotional self won’t have changed.
This emotional pain will need to be worked through so that this part of his being can be a source of support. Without this part of his being on his side, he is unlikely to get very far.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.