For as long as a man can remember, he might have had the need to be there for his mother. He may find that this is generally something that he doesn’t have to think about doing as being there for her is something that just happens.
But, as time has passed, he might have started to experience resistance when it comes to behaving in this way. He may realise that behaving in this way is not serving him, so part of him no longer wants to behave in this way.
Or to be more accurate, he might have experienced resistance before but it might not have been very strong. Now, though, this resistance will have gone up a notch and it will be a lot harder for him to ignore it.
Before he will have been able to push his resistance out of his conscious awareness but it will now be a lot stronger. This is not to say that he won’t be able to push it out of his conscious awareness; no, it’s that this will take more effort.
A Strange Scenario
When it comes to this resistance, part of him will want to be there for himself, whilst another, stronger part of him will feel compelled to be there for his mother. Additionally, being there for his mother will feel right, whilst being there for himself will feel wrong.
If he does what his mother wants, he can be fairly settled and if he thinks about it, let alone does what he wants, he could be on edge. Naturally, with all this going on, it will seem as if he is here to meet his mother’s needs.
What could enter his mind is that if he was actually here to live his own life, this would be something that feels comfortable. Nevertheless, if he was here to meet his mother’s needs, he wouldn’t experience inner conflict.
Instead, there would be no resistance and all of his being would be happy to be there for her. So, the fact that this is not the case shows that something is not right and this is not how his life should be.
A Closer Look
If he does think about drawing the line and making it clear to her that he can’t live in this way anymore, he could end up feeling guilty and anxious. Based on this, it will be as though he is doing something wrong and his very survival is under threat.
In reality, he wouldn’t be doing any wrong by doing this; he will be doing the right thing by doing this. Still, for his life to change, it will be clear that he will need to resolve the conflict that is inside him.
What’s going on?
What could cross his mind is why he is so conflicted and, why, living his own life doesn’t feel comfortable. If this is how he has been for as long as he can remember, it could show that his mother was unable to see him as an individual during his formative years and realise that had his own needs and feelings.
Consequently, he would have had to adapt to her needs and would have to lose touch with his own needs and feelings. In other words, he would have had to lose touch with his true self and create a disconnected, false self in order to survive.
This is why he will experience conflict as his true self will want one thing and his false self will want something else. If he was not used in this way, he probably wouldn’t have a repressed true self and a domineering false self; he would just have one self.
To this false self, the only way for him to feel that he is doing the right thing and to survive will be to be there for his mother. The reason for this is that, during his early years, if he wasn’t there for her, he is likely to have been punished, disapproved of, rejected and/or abandoned.
With this in mind, what he fears will happen if he lives his own life will relate to what he has already experienced. But, as he wouldn’t have been developed enough to handle how he felt when this took place, his brain would have automatically repressed how he felt and these experiences wouldn’t have been fully experienced and integrated.
Thanks to this, the anxiety that he experiences when he thinks about or attempts to live his own life will be a sign of what has not been resolved inside him. For him to gradually put the past behind him and let go of his false self and, thereby, let go of the conflict inside him, he will most likely have a lot of pain to work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.