It can take a while for a man to realise that he is emotionally entangled with his mother; this could be something that will take place after he has been on this planet for many decades. It could seem strange as to why it would take him so long to find that he is overly focused on her.
However, if he was brought up to be this way and even lives in a culture that encourages this type of behaviour, it is to be expected. For year after year, behaving in this way will have just been normal and he may have received a lot of positive feedback from others.
An invisible prison
He would then have been trapped but he wouldn’t have been able to see that he was trapped and thus, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it. Still, this doesn’t mean that behaving in this way won’t have had a negative effect on him.
Naturally, if he has been ignoring himself for many, many years, it will have greatly undermined him. Most of his needs will have been ignored and his own life is likely to be very watered down.
Deep within his being, he can carry a lot of “negative” feelings; feelings that will be a consequence of the fact that he has been abandoning himself for so long. These feelings will have been experienced to let him know that he was living in the wrong way.
But, due to how focused he was on his mother and her needs, he won’t have been able to listen to how he felt and to do something different. He will have continued to be his own worst enemy.
Once has been able to see clearly, he could wonder what he has been going and he could even believe that he has been wasting his life. This could be something that takes place after he has had a breakdown or has a relationship.
If it is the former, it will have broken him down and stopped him from being able to behave in the same way. Yet, if it is the latter, another person will have informed him that he is living in the wrong way and is out of balance.
The First Step
Irrespective of what has allowed him to “wake up”; it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to transform his life. No, now that he is aware of what is going on, he will have to do the work that will allow him to liberate himself.
What this comes down to is that although he will now know that focusing on his mother and ignoring himself is not the right thing for him to do, this is likely to be what still feels comfortable. What this comes down to is that what is taking place at the emotional level of his being is what needs to change in order for his life to change, not purely what is taking place at the level of his intellect.
When he thinks about drawing the line with his mother and taking care of his own needs, he could feel guilty and ashamed. Instead of this being the right thing for him to do, it will seem like the wrong thing.
Part of him will want him to stand his ground and to live his own life, whilst another part will want him to please his mother and to be there for her. At this point, he could feel powerless and believe that he has no control over his life.
Therefore, not only will he feel ashamed of his needs but he can also feel ashamed of the fact that he is able to act like a man. He will want to be in his masculinity and to be assertive, to stand his ground, to act independently, to be emotionally strong and to be a leader, not a follower.
But, thanks to how weak he feels, he won’t be able to access his masculine power; he will be like a wild animal that has been castrated. He won’t be in a good way and this could cause him to feel deeply helpless and hopeless.
An Expected Outcome
He could end up laying into himself; believing that he is weak, incapable and useless. His partner may also end up being critical or she could be supportive during this time.
What the man will need to keep in mind at this point is that, most likely, neither his mother nor his father provided him with what he needed to grow into a strong and capable man. This means that there is no reason for him to judge himself and there is nothing inherently wrong with him.
During his formative years, his mother probably used him to meet her adult and unmet childhood needs. This would have meant that most of his needs would have been ignored and he had to be there for her.
Without the emotional nutrients that he needed to grow and develop, he would have stayed in a developmentally stunted state. Along with this, his father might not have been around or if he was, he probably wasn’t emotionally available.
A Lack of Support
He needed his father to break him out of his mother’s world and to give him encouragement, support and guidance. Without this, he would have been trapped in his mother’s world and he would have missed out on the nutrients and the modelling that he needed from his father to develop into a strong and capable man.
Taking all this into account, it could be said that he was destined to grow into a man who was weak and lacked a backbone. Ultimately, masculinity is something that has to be developed; it is not something that someone is born with.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.