Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Feel That He Is Betraying His Mother If He Ends Up In A Relationship?

If a man was to end up in a relationship with a woman who he is very fond of and is starting to love, it doesn’t mean that every part of him will be on board with this relationship. Along with the part of him that feels that he is doing the right thing, can be another part that feels as though he is doing something wrong.

This part of him can cause him to feel guilty, ashamed and anxious, and, due to how strong it is, he could start to question if he is doing the right thing. Still, he could do his best to forget about this part and carry on as normal.

Keeping His own Counsel

If he was to think about telling his partner about what is going on for him, he could soon decide that it is best if he keeps it to himself. He could believe that if he opens up about this, it will lead to a negative outcome.

At first, he might be able to carry on as normal but, it might not be long until he starts to change. Yet, thanks to the fact that he probably won’t consciously choose to change, he might not notice this.

One Part

As the days, weeks and perhaps months pass, he could gradually become less available. So, in addition to not being as present when he is around her, he might not be as physically available either, with him having more things to do than usual.

If so, being less present and distracted when he is around her and not spending as much time with her will be a way for him to handle the conflict that is inside him. Whereas if he was as present as he was before and spent as much time around her, it would be harder for him to handle how he feels.

A Reaction

Most likely, his partner will soon notice that he has changed and she could end up taking it personally. This can then be a time when she will believe that he is starting to lose interest in her.

Alternatively, she might just wonder what is going on and talk to him directly about how he has changed. If she takes this route, she might not get very far, with him denying that he has changed.

One Outcome

Now, assuming that she does do this and he is unable to acknowledge that he has changed, it might not be long until their relationship comes to an end. But, as his behaviour will say that he is no longer as interested and his words will say that he is just as interested as he was before, it is not going to be a surprise.

Quite simply, his partner will probably want to be with a man who is both there for her and has a certain level of self-awareness. If it does come to an end before long, he could feel relieved and deeply sad.

Confusion

If he is aware of how he felt at the beginning of his relationship and after this point, he could struggle to understand how something that should have felt right, felt wrong. He is then going to feel more at ease but the sadness and sense of helplessness that he may experience will stop him from being at peace.

This could be the first time that he has had this experience or he might have had this experience on more than one occasion. If he has had this experience more than once, he could believe that there is something wrong with him and that he will always be this way.

What’s going on?

There is a chance that he had these irrational feelings due to what took place during his formative years. This may have been a time when his mother saw him as her possession and he was then there to meet her needs.

Therefore, whenever he expressed himself, he might have typically been punished, disapproved of, rejected and/or abandoned. This would have sent him the message that his needs and himself were bad, and it would have caused him to become estranged from his true self.

A Natural outcome

As a result of the experiences that he had, at the most important developmental stage of his life, it is to be expected that he would feel unconformable when he expresses himself. Ultimately, he won’t be doing anything wrong but as he was made to feel that expressing himself was wrong, it will have conditioned him to believe that expressing himself was wrong.

And, when he is in a relationship with a woman, it will be as though he is betraying his mother or his owner and, thus, he will feel guilty and ashamed. He will have been brought up to be there for his mother, to please her, not to see himself as a separate human being that has his own life to lead.

Drawing the line

The truth is that he was not and is not his mother’s possession; in the words of Khalil Gibran, he came through her, not from her. If anything, his mother betrayed him by not truly being there for him.

For him to be able to live his life without feeling as though he is doing anything wrong, he is likely to have beliefs to question and pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
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Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk