If a man is overly preoccupied with his mother’s needs and just about his whole life revolves around her, he is going to be more like her parent than her son. But, although he will be neglecting himself, he can believe that he is doing the right thing.
Along with this, there will be the people who believe that he is behaving in the right way by being there for his mother. This can relate to family members and friends, with these people describing him as a selfless human being.
A Very Different View
However, if he is in a relationship, his partner is likely to have a very different outlook when it comes to how he behaves. As far as she is concerned, he could be seen as his mothers slave.
Furthermore, she could be well and truly fed up with the fact that he is there for his mother but he isn’t really there for her or their children, that’s if they have them. Unlike those who only see one side of what is going on, she will have a more complete picture.
One Big Facade
If the man didn’t have any needs and was actually a selfless human being, how he behaves wouldn’t be an issue. Also, if he was single, assuming that he isn’t, he wouldn’t need to be there for his partner either.
His sole purpose could then be to take care of his mothers needs and there would be no reason for anyone to suffer. The issue is, however, that he does have needs and, as a result of this, he will pay a price.
Additionally, by him being there for his mother and doing so much for her, he is stopping her from taking responsibility for herself. One way to describe his behaviour would be to say that he is an enabler.
The reason for this is that for as long as he does things for her that she should do for herself, there will be no reason for her to change. He will be supporting his mother’s dysfunctional behaviour.
Most likely, the man will have behaved this way for most of his life, which is why he is probably not aware of the fact that he is neglecting himself and is doing too much for his mother. For him to realise that he is living in the wrong way, he may need to experience something fairly dramatic.
If he is in a relationship, his partner might be able to gradually get through to him. If not, it could take a breakup, a breakdown or some kind of loss for him to “wake up” from the state that he is in.
Once he gets to the stage where he is able to see clearly, he can still find that part of him doesn’t want to acknowledge what is going on. This part of him can have the need to carry on behaving in the same way.
He can find that being there for his mother is seen as the only way for him to survive. Therefore, drawing the line and living his own life will be the right thing for him to do, but it won’t be seen as an option.
So, to not only to survive but to also settle himself down, he can carry on behaving in the same way. At this point, it can be as though his mother is in control of him and he has no sense of agency.
In reality, he will be free to live his own life but, due to what is taking place inside him, he won’t be able to realise this. Ultimately, he will be in an emotionally underdeveloped and traumatised state.
A Missing Part
Along with feeling as though he has no control, he can find that he doesn’t have a strong need to live his own life and assert himself. He can then be alike a car that has no engine; the power that he needs to get things done won’t be there.
The fire that he needs to be able to activate himself will be inside him but, most likely, it will have been covered up. The fuel source that will give him this need will be his aggression or fight instinct, and this was probably covered up during his early years.
At this stage of his life, his mother probably used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs, which would have stopped him from receiving what he needed to be able to grow and develop. He would have lost touch with his false self and been forced to create a false self.
Whenever he tried to assert himself and expressed his need to separate from her, he was probably punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. This would have caused him to believe that expressing himself was wrong and would cause his life to come to an end, and he would have been forced to disconnect from this part of his being.
The energy within him can be seen as being part of his masculine aspect and it is what will allow him to act like an individual. As this part of him has been split off and covered up by trauma, and he is out of touch with this true self, it is to be expected that he won’t be able to activate himself.
He will need to reconnect to his needs and feelings and his inner fire, by doing this, he will know what he needs to do and he will have the power that he needs to get things moving. This is something that will take patience and persistence as it won’t happen overnight.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
To book your free 15-minute consultation, click here.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.