Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Focus On His Mother To Stay Loyal To His Father?

What is likely to stand out, if a man is focused on his mother and is neglecting himself, is that he has a strong need to please her. Due to how strong this need is, a number of his needs will end up being overlooked.

From this, it will be clear that he needs to spend less time being there for her and more time being there for himself. Of course, if he doesn’t do this, his own life will continue to pass him by.

A Complex Task

However, while it may seem as though he just needs to let go of his need to please his mother and live his own life, it is unlikely to be that simple. The reason for this is that he is likely to be in a developmentally stunted state.

Therefore, if he was to no longer focus on his mother, he is likely to come into contact with a lot of pain. This can be a time when he will feel anxious and fearful and as though his life will come to an end.

Deprived

In all likelihood, his early years were a time when he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. As his mother was likely to have been developmentally stunted, she would have used her son to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs.

There is a strong chance that this took place without her being consciously aware of the harm that was being done. He needed a mother who could love him but he had a mother who was still a child.

A Brutal Time

So, as a number of his developmental needs were rarely met, he would have been deeply wounded. Instead of being able to gradually break away, he would have been too traumatised to take this step.

Focusing on his mother’s needs when he was growing up was essential to his survival and as his level of emotional development really hasn’t changed, it will still be seen as being essential to his survival. Also, as he had to focus on her and she wasn’t truly there for him, he would have had to lose touch with a number of his needs and feelings.

Two Parts

With this in mind, he will have emotional wounds to heal and he will need to reconnect to himself. If this wasn’t the case and he was just choosing to focus on his mother, he would simply be able to draw the line.

Additionally, there is the impact that his father would have had on him. His early years may have been a time when his father wasn’t around and, thereby, he was deprived of his love and support.

Another Scenario

Then again, his father might have been around but been emotionally unavailable and not in his power. As a result of this, his life is also likely to have revolved around his mother.

His mother, then, would have generally created the impression that her needs were the only needs that mattered and his father would have enforced this view. He would have been an individual but he would have acted as though he was an extension of her.

A Broken Man

His father, by not being in a good way, wouldn’t have been able to stand up for him or model healthy behaviour. This is likely to illustrate that his father was also undermined during his formative years and ended up with a woman who carried on from where his parent or parents left off.

Deep down, his father might have seen his son’s mother as his mother and believed that he needed to please her to be able to survive. Either way, being there for his mother was a way for him to try to please both his mother and his father.

A Clear Message

Throughout his early years, his father might have even said that he should be there for his mother and take care of her. And, if his father has passed on, he might have said in one way or another that it was down to him to look after her when he is no longer around.

So, as far as his father was concerned, it was both his and his son’s responsibility to be there for her. After being brought up in an environment where he was abandoned and his precious life was cast aside, by not one but both of his parents, it is to be expected that he would find it hard to live his own life.

The True

Ultimately, he was not responsible for his mother then and he is not responsible for her now. Assuming that he is no longer here, his father was older than him and might have been knowledgeable when it came to certain areas but he was still a flawed human being.

If his father was in a good place mentally and emotionally, he would have made it clear that he was not responsible for her. And, he would have made this clear before he passed on.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk