Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Mans Fear Of Being Harmed Stop Him From Being Able To Break Away?
When it comes to a man who is unable to live his own life, due to being emotionally entangled with his mother, it can seem as though it is due to what took place in relation to his mother very early on. So, at this stage of his life, most likely, his mother would have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs
By not receiving the right emotionally nutrients at this stage of his life, he would have missed out on what he needed in order to grow and develop. His physical and intellectual self will have grown but his emotional self will have stayed stunted.
A False Self
Thanks to this, he will look like an adult but, at an emotional level, he is likely to feel like a child. Therefore, at the beginning of his life, he would have been in a symbiotic state and at this stage of his life, he will continue to be in the same state.
The self that he does have is not going to be built on firm foundations; it will be built on pain and will be held in place through the approval that he receives. If, then, he was to no longer do what his mother wanted, he would probably come into contact with a lot of pain.
Without realising it, that’s if he is not aware of the fact that he is overly focused on his mother and ignoring his own life, he will do his best to be there for her. This will be a way for him to keep his true feelings at bay.
If he was to stop behaving in this way, he would probably feel as though his life is going to come to an end. This is how he would have felt if he didn’t please his mother during his early years.
Stuck In The Past
Many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but, deep down, he will still perceive life in the same way. As a result of this, the way for him to change his life won’t just be for him to change his behaviour.
For him to change his life he will need to face and work through the pain that is inside him. This is likely to be a time when he will be facing not just the fear of being abandoned but the inner experience of being abandoned.
The reason for this is that while he will have done his best not to be abandoned by his mother, he most likely would have been abandoned. In all likelihood, this wouldn’t have just happened once, it would have happened multiple times.
To handle the pain that he experienced when this happened, he would have had to repress how he felt. Each time this happened, he would have become even more estranged from himself.
Layers of Pain
This is why there won’t just be one emotional experience to work through; there will be many of these experiences to work through. And, as this pain will be stopping him from fully connecting with his true self, the more pain that is resolved the greater this connection will be.
Taking this into account, it is clear to see that, for a man to go from being totally enmeshed or fairly enmeshed, to being an emotionally whole and separate being will take time. It is something that is more likely to take years as opposed to weeks or even months.
Now, as important as this part will be when it comes to a man being able to liberate himself and live a life that is worth living, there can be another part that is just as important. What a man may find, as he goes through this process, is that he experiences a fair amount of fear and anxiety.
He may see that this doesn’t relate to being abandoned, though, it relates to being harmed. Thus, if he doesn’t please his mother, he will feel as though his life will come to an end either by being left or by being attacked.
If this is so, it is likely to show that his father was around during his early but that he wasn’t very supportive. His father may have been a broken man and lacked backbone as a result, with him being the one who punished his son (the man) if he didn’t do what his mother wanted.
The pain that he experienced at the hands of his father was then another layer of trauma that was added to what he had already experienced. In both of these cases, he would have been totally powerless and dependent; his only option was to tolerate what was going on and disconnect from himself.
These experiences would have left him in a very bad way. To top it off, what was taking place externally would have gradually become what was taking place internally, with his mother and father’s voice and behaviour shaping his inner voice and how he would talk to himself.
What is going on within will now be what is truly keeping him in line, not what is taking place externally. As he is no longer a powerless child, he has a choice, and this is what he will need to keep in mind.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.