After being in a relationship for quite some time, a woman may come to see that she is with a man who is overly focused on his mother. As a result of this, it will be clear that he is not available.
Naturally, due to how consumed he is with his mother’s needs, he won’t have much time for anyone else. Ergo, he will not only neglect her needs, but he will also neglect a lot of his own needs.
He will be out of balance and this will have a negative impact on his own wellbeing and it will undermine his relationship. In addition to this, the woman is likely to see that she has ended up being out of balance.
As the man has not been playing his part, she could see that she has ended up filling in the gap, so to speak. So, physically, mentally and emotionally, she will be leaning in and he will be leaning out.
An Automatic Process
Most likely, this is not something that she consciously chose to do; it will have just happened. In the beginning, she might have only leaned in slightly towards him but as time passed, she ended up almost falling on top of him.
As the days, weeks, months and even years passed, she would have done more and more. Now, thanks to how exhausted and fed up she is, she might not be willing to carry on living in the same way.
A Challenging Time
Still, this could be a time when she feels bad and wonders why she has ended up in this position. Her inner critic could lay into her, for instance, and she could feel very low and as though there is something inherently wrong with her.
She might wonder why she has been so ‘stupid’ and wasn’t able to see the signs before. Along with this, she could carry a lot of resentment, believing that the man has gone out of his way to cause her harm and to even waste her life.
However, although she could blame herself and the man, there is a strong chance that both she and the man are didn’t consciously chose to end up in this position. Instead, they are likely to be playing out a very old pattern.
Most likely, the man had to meet his mother’s adult and unmet childhood needs during his early life and this would have stopped him from developing in the right way. He would have been deprived of what he needed to go through each development stage.
How he is behaving as an adult is then a replay of how he had to behave as a child to survive. Consciously, though, he might not be able to see the connection and thus behaving in this way will just be what is normal.
This is not to say that he won’t ever feel frustrated, angry and want his life to change; it’s that a big part of him won’t realise that there is another way for him to experience life. He will feel the need to continue to behave in this way – that is until he ‘wakes’ up.
Seeing the connection
After hearing this, she could wonder what old pattern she is playing out as her mind could go blank. If she was to reflect on her early years, what she may find is that this was a time when he had to be there for her caregiver/s.
She was then more like a parent during this stage of her life than a child who needed the right nutrients. This will mean that right from the beginning, she would have been out of balance.
As one or both of her caregivers was not available, she would have automatically taken on the role of the parent. This would have meant that she had to lose touch with her true self and develop a false self.
Her attention would have been on their needs as opposed to her own and this would have allowed her to survive. Due to being egocentric at this stage of her life, she would have come to believe that her needs and her true self were inherently bad.
In reality, the reason her needs were rarely if ever met and she was not truly seen had nothing to do with her and everything to do with what was going on for her caregiver/s. They were simply unable to give her the love and attunement that she needed.
For her life to change and to no longer end up in a position where she acts more like someone’s parent and her needs are overlooked, it will be essential for her to question what she believes and to work through her emotional wounds. This will be something that will take patience and persistence.
If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.