If a woman has been with a number of men who were focused on their mother and, thus, were unavailable, she is likely to question if this area of her life will ever change. But, if she has been in this position on more than one occasion, this is to be expected.
What could make this even harder for her to get her head around is that just about every other area of her life could be going well. So, she could be in good shape physically, have a fulfilling job, and have a number of close friends, for instance.
When it comes to her friends, they could be just as confused as she is about what is going on. Over the months and perhaps years, she may have had many conversations with them about this area of her life.
They may have often told her that she is a catch and deserves to be with a man who can be there for her. However, while she is likely to appreciate their support, part of her could be fed up with hearing things that have very little to do with how she is experiencing life.
A Heavy Weight
It will be a bit like when someone is told that they are good at something only for them to mess up each time. Ultimately, she won’t just want to be told that she is a catch and deserves to be with a man who can be there for her; she will want to be with a man who is available
And, due to the impact that this area of her life is having on her, other areas of her life could also be affected. If so, she might often find it hard to perform at her best at work and she might often neglect her appearance.
At the Root
What this is likely to show is that, deep down, she feels helpless and hopeless, and this is why it is hard for her to keep going. Her inability to make a breakthrough in one area of her life, then, will be weighing her down.
But, while one area will be impacting other areas, as she feels hopeless and hopeless, she won’t be able to see a way forward. Still, she could do her best to keep going and not give up on herself.
Now, while it will seem as though she wants one thing and is receiving something else, what if it is not this black and white? What if the reason she is receiving something else is because this is what a big part of her wants?
As strange and unbelievable as this may seem, what she will need to keep in mind is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind. Along with this part of her, she also has an unconscious mind.
What this means is that while part of her is asking for one thing, another part of her will be asking for something else. This other part of her is also far stronger than the part of her that she is aware of.
If she was able to connect to what is taking place in this other part of her, she would probably soon realise why this area of her life is this way. Nonetheless, she won’t be able to do this straight away due to the defences that she has in place.
These defences will keep pain, unmet developmental needs and parts of herself out of her conscious mind. One way for her to reconnect with what she has lost touch with over the years is for her to think about her early years.
By doing this, she might gradually remember things that will shed light on why she is drawn to men who are not available. Therefore, in the same way that each piece of a puzzle will make it easier to see the full picture, each thing that she remembers will create a clearer picture of what happened.
Back In Time
For example, she may find that her parents were not emotionally close and that her father was closer to her than he was to her mother. He might have often told her things that he should have told another adult and looked to her to be there for him when he was down or sad, for instance, with him treating her more like his partner than his daughter.
As a result of this, he would have directed a lot of his energy and attention toward her. This would have created an unhealthy bond between them and prevented her from being able to emotionally separate from her family and live her own life.
The Other Part
When it comes to her mother, she might have seen her daughter as more like a competitor than her daughter. She might then have demonised her daughter and done just about everything that she could to undermine her.
Furthermore, her mother might have typically dominated her father and used him to punish their daughter. She would then have been deprived of her mother's and father’s support, love and protection.
A Bleak Time
But, although her father would have used and deprived her of the love that she needed, she needed his attention and he would have been the only parent that she felt comfortable bonding with. Unlike her mother, he would have been the more ‘normal’ parent who was perhaps more stable and predictable.
Moreover, as she had attached to him, she is likely to have felt sorry for him and responsible for how her mother was treating him. The truth is that she was not to blame for what happened or responsible for her father.
A New Experience
From this, she will be able to see that she is emotionally entangled with her father and is not allowing herself to be with a man who is available out of her need to stay loyal to him. For her to emotionally separate from him, she is likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.
When it comes to how her mother and father behaved at this stage of her life, it is likely to be a sign that they were deeply wounded and deprived during their early years. They were then not consciously aware of the harm that they were causing.
If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.