After having been with a man who is overly focused on his mother for however long, a woman could have spent a fair amount of time trying to understand why he is the way that he is. This could be something that has been going on for a number of weeks, months or even years.
Throughout this time, she might have read a number of articles and books and watched numerous videos. Thanks to what she has learnt along the way, she could have a good understanding of why he is this way.
But, although she might have a good understanding, it doesn’t mean that this has had much of an impact on their relationship. For a little while now, she might have spoken to him about what she believes in going on and been very supportive, too.
Yet, even if he has listened to what she has had to say and even promised to do something about his behaviour, it doesn’t mean that he has taken the next step. Or, if he has taken action, he might have only got so far and, before long, gone back to how he was before.
A Frustrating Experience
Assuming that this is the case, she could be annoyed about the fact that she has played her part but he hasn’t played his. Then again, she could see that she has more than played her part.
She could find it hard to understand why he hasn’t changed, even though she has done so much for him and he has said that he would on so many occasions – that’s if he has. At this point, she could be totally confused and deeply fed up.
If she was to speak to a friend or family member about what is going on, they could tell her, in one way or another, that she is wasting her time. They could be only too aware of how much effort she has put in and how little he has put in.
After this conversation and perhaps a number of other conversions like it and thinking about this area of her life, she could end up coming to the conclusion that she needs to cut her ties with him. She could think about how her life would be if she was to stay with him for a lot longer and this could be too much for her to handle.
Alternatively, she could continue to overlook her needs and feelings and focus on both trying to understand her partner and change him. Deep down, she could believe that if she finds the right information and presents it to him in the right way, he will finally change.
Consequently, it won’t matter that what she has done so far hasn’t worked or that his behaviour hasn’t really changed. Thus, the reality of the situation will be ignored and she will continue to direct her energy towards someone who is not giving her a great deal back.
The Next Phase
After going down this path and not being able to make any progress, she could arrive at the point where she is well and truly exhausted. At this stage, she will no longer have the energy and perhaps the desire to continue.
Still, there could still be a part of her that doesn’t want to give up and still hopes that she can change him. Nonetheless, as she has hit rock bottom, this other part of her will longer be able to exert the same level of influence on her.
Opening the Gates
Along with hitting rock bottom, she could also come into contact with a lot of painful inner material. So, this can be a time when she will feel worthless, unwanted and unloved, and rejected and abandoned.
What this will illustrate is that a big part of why she has been trying to change him is to avoid how she feels. Although she won’t have been consciously aware of this, at a deeper level, she will believe that if she is able to change him, she will finally be loved.
An Old Struggle
In all likelihood, she is trying to receive the love that she missed out on during her formative years. This was probably a stage of her life when one or both of her parents were emotionally unavailable and unable to provide her with the love that she needed.
Of course, this stage of her life will be over, but, deep down, a big part of her will still be trying to receive the love that she missed out on. These wounded and repressed parts of her will have caused her to be pulled to a man who can’t be there for her, so that she can finally receive the love that her mother and/or father were unable to give her.
The Same Story
These parts of her won’t realise that this man, or any of the other men that she might have been with who were like this, is not her parent or parents and that this stage of her life is over. Having this understanding will allow her to see that she doesn’t just begin and end with her conscious mind and that this is only a small part of her.
For her to no longer look for the love that she missed out on as a child and to receive the love that is available, she will need to face and work through the pain and the unmet developmental needs that had to be repressed very early on. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.