Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can Early Deprivation Cause A Woman To Continually End Up With Mother-Enmeshed Men?

If a woman is with a man who is overly focused on his mother, she could be totally fed up and wonder if she should cut her ties with him. She might have been with him for a few weeks, months or even a number of years.

Now, this might be the first time she has been in this position or she might have been in this position before. If she has been in this position before, she could struggle to understand why this has taken place.

A Strange Scenario

At this point, she may believe that she is just unlucky or that this is just what men are like. If she believes that she is just unlikely, then she will need to wait for her luck to change before this area of her life changes.

But, if she believes that this is just what men are like, it is not going to be possible for her to change this area of her life. Regardless of this, it will be up to her to decide if she will wait in the hope that the man she is with changes or if she calls it a day.

One Approach

If she is not ready to walk away from him, she could look into why a man would behave this way. She may hope that, by taking this route, she will be able to do something about this area of her life.

Most likely, she will be looking for a way to change his behaviour, so that he is less focused on his mother and more focused on both himself and their relationship. She may also believe that once she finds out about what is going on and talks to him about it, he will change.

A Dead End

After putting in a fair amount of effort and gaining a rough understanding of why he is behaving in this way, she may alter her behaviour and end up talking to him about it what she believes is going on. This may be a time when he is open to what she has to say and is gradually able to accept that he is out of balance.

Then again, he might listen to what she has to say but that might be about as far as it will go. It will then be clear that he is not ready to face what is going on and this is likely to show that he is carrying too much pain to face reality, hence why he is in denial.

The fall Out

If this was to take place, she could end up feeling even more frustrated and angry and before long, she could feel deeply depressed. The evidence will be there that he is not willing to take the next step at this stage and this will leave her with a big decision to make.

Unlike before, she will have found out what is going on and spoken to him directly but this won’t have allowed her to make headway. If she was to hang in there, there is the chance that he might ‘wake up’ but, then again, he could stay this way for quite some time.

Stepping Back

Assuming that she has been in this position before, there is a strong chance that she doesn’t just happen to end up with men that are like this. Instead, it is highly likely that part of her is gaining something from what is going on.

If she was to hear this, she could say that this is not possible as she has had enough of what is going on and wants to be with a man who is available. Without a doubt, this is what she will want at a conscious level.

Two Parts

Nevertheless, along with having a conscious mind, she will also have an unconscious mind. This part of her is likely to want something else entirely, which is why she is continually being deprived of what she wants.

This part of her will be made up of repressed pain and unmet developmental needs, among other things. Considering this, during her developmental years, she may have had a parent or parents’ who were unable to truly able to be there for her.

Replaying The Past

As she would have been egocentric at this stage, she would have personalised what took place and struggled to receive the love that she needed. This is unlikely to have done a great deal but it would have stopped her from having to face up to the fact that she wouldn’t be loved.

If she faced up to this fact, it would have been too painful for her to handle. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of her life, but a big part of her will still be trying to receive the love that she missed out on all those years ago.

A Continuation

Of course, the men that she ends up with won’t be one of her parents but this is not something that her unconscious mind will be able to realise. This part, via transference, will see a man as one of her parent’s.

As this part of her has no sense of time and can’t see clearly, it won’t matter how many years pass or what man she is with. Thanks to the need that this part of her has to recreate a situation that is very similar to what it was like during her early years, in the hope that this time it will be different and she will finally be loved, even if she did end up with a man who is different, the relationship might not last for very long.

A New Reality

So, in order for her to no longer struggle for the love that she missed out on and the love that she needs as an adult, it will be necessary for her to connect to what is taking place at a deeper level. Connecting to and working through the pain that she experienced all those years ago and expressing the unmet developmental needs that go with it will allow her to gradually put the past behind her.

Once she can accept that she wasn’t loved and she will never be loved by her parent or parents’, she will be able to let love in and, thus, will no longer need to struggle for it. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk