Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can False Hope Stop A Mother-Enmeshed Man From Living His Own Life?

On the surface, it can seem as though a man who is focused on his mother and ignores his own life is happy with how things are. This is partly because of how he behaves and what he is likely to say if he is asked why he behaving in this way.  

So, he can create the impression that he is happy with the life that he leads or, at the very least, he might not ever come across as angry and frustrated.  And, if he was asked why he behaves in this way, he could say that it is up to him to look after his mother and that this is the right thing to do.

Out of Balance

But, no matter how he comes across or what he says, he will be ignoring a number of his needs and his own life will be neglected as a result. He is a separate human being who has his own needs and feelings, so he can’t be there for his mother and himself.

For this to change, he will need to implement boundaries with his mother and make his needs and life his priority. Unless this happens, a number of his needs won’t be met and his life will continue to pass him by.

Blocked Out

However, the challenge is that if he believes that he is behaving in the right way and is out of touch with a number of his needs and feelings, he won't be able to realise that he is living in the wrong way. What will also play a part in this is that he will be caught up in his mother’s world.

Due to the inner state that he is in and where his focus is, he is not going to be able to face reality. Therefore, in order for him to ‘wake up’ and see clearly, he might need to experience something dramatic.

Two Parts

As things stand, there will be his false self and then there will be his true self. His true self will be dominated and kept at bay by this false self, which is why he has abandoned himself.

This is why a breakdown or a loss, for instance, can allow him to change course as something like this can undermine his false self and allow his true self to start seeing the light of day. His true self will relate to him being connected to his body and his needs and feelings, while his false self will relate to him being disconnected from his body and his needs and feelings.

Self-Protection

At this point, it can seem as though his false self is doing what it can to undermine him. It is then like a parasite that is preventing him from being able to be connected to and express who he is.

However, although this might seem accurate, its sole purpose is to make sure that he survives. This can be hard to accept, especially as he will be behaving in a way that is not serving him.

Another Angle

Yet, although this false self won’t be serving him now, it is likely to have served him during his formative years. This is likely to have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

To handle what was going on, he would have had to lose touch with his body and, thus, his feelings and a number of his needs. He would have been connected to his essence at one point but had to gradually lose touch with it as time passed.

No Other Choice

Most likely, his mother was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide him with the love that he needed. This is why he had to lose touch with himself and become who she wanted him to be.

But, although she wasn’t able to love him, he wouldn’t have been able to accept this. To stop himself from facing up to the fact that he wouldn’t receive what he needed, he would have come to believe that if he did what she wanted, he would be loved.

A Defence

The hope that this would have given him would have kept him going then, and it will be what is keeping him going now. If he had accepted that he wouldn’t be loved, it would have been too much for him to handle.

And, even though he is now an adult, as he will be carrying most if not all of the pain and the unmet development needs that were repressed all those years ago, it will still be too much for him to accept that he won’t be loved by her.

Developmentally Stunted

His emotional self won’t realise that this stage of his life is over and that it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. This is why, if he were to think about let alone change his behaviour, he is likely to feel uncomfortable.

By behaving in the same way and struggling to receive something that can’t be provided, as futile as this will be, he will be able to keep this material out of his conscious awareness and, thereby, it together and function. Taking this into account, for him to change his behaviour, he will need to face and work through the pain that is inside him and experience his unmet developmental needs.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk