If a man is focused on his mother and is not living his own life, he might not even realise that this is the case. As he was probably trained to be there for her from a very young age, it is not going to be a surprise if it doesn’t occur to him that he is out of alignment with himself and is not behaving in the right way.
His early experiences wouldn’t have allowed him to stay connected to himself and to feel comfortable in his own skin. Now that he is an adult, he will be estranged from himself and he will only feel valuable if he pleases his mother.
An Empty Vessel
In other words, as he doesn’t have a felt sense of his own worth, it will be something that he constantly has to earn. So, providing he does what his mother wants and she approves of him, he will be able to feel good about himself.
Like a runner on a treadmill, he will have to keep doing the same thing or else he will end up falling off, or in this context, he will end up feeling very low. His mother will lay out hoops and he will continually need to jump through them.
A Heavy Weight
Consciously he won’t be aware of what is going on but, deep down, he will know that he needs to continue to behave in this way. What is going on in his unconscious mind will be driving his behaviour as opposed to what is going on in his conscious mind.
Not only could he feel very low if he was to change his behaviour but he could also fear that he would be abandoned. This fear will relate to what actually took place if he didn’t please his mother very early on.
Along with this, he probably would have been punished or disapproved of. It was then too much of a risk for him to express himself and he had to hide himself in order to survive.
Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but all this trauma will still be held in his body. As an adult, then, his greatest need will be to keep this pain at bay, and pleasing his mother will be unconsciously be seen as the best way for this to take place.
This doesn’t mean that there isn’t a small part of him that doesn’t want his life to change but this part will be outmuscled by a stronger part of him that believes it can only survive by pleasing his mother. As a result of this, it is unlikely that he will directly look for a way to change his life.
If his life changes, it will most likely need to take place indirectly. The part of him that does want to change can then manifest a scenario where someone else will make it clear that he is not living his own life and is not here to focus on his mother.
This could mean that he will end up meeting a woman to he is attracted and will end up in a relationship with her. Through being on the outside, his partner will be able to see what is going on and pass this information onto him.
She could come up against a lot of resistance at first, with him accusing her of being selfish or as having something against his mother. But, as time goes by, providing he doesn’t leave the relationship after this, he could start to see more clearly.
However, even if this was to happen, something could end up taking place that will more or less take him back to where he started. His mother could end up becoming seriously ill and he could feel compelled to focus on her once again.
It will be as though he had started to get out of the hole that he was in and he will have ended up being pulled back down again. He will have been brought up to be responsible for his mother and feeling responsible for her as an adult will feel normal.
It won’t matter that he is her son, not her parent, as he can feel that he has to put his life even further to the side and to do even more for his mother. If he was to think about drawing the line and making it clear to his mother that he has his own life to live and can’t solely focus on her, he could be overwhelmed with guilt and shame and he could experience fear and anxiety.
If his mother had him on a leash before, she will have tightened this lease now that she is unwell. And, as strange as this may sound, there is even the chance that her becoming ill is another way for her to gain attention and to prevent her son from living his own life.
A Key Point
This is not to say that this will be something that she has consciously chosen to do, though, as it is likely to be something that she will have unconsciously manifested. What he can reflect on during this time is that he is on this planet to live his own life, not to be an extension of his mother and to act like her parent.
Furthermore, he can ask himself if he would want his child – assuming he’s not a parent already - to look after him and neglect their own life. This question and the answer that he receives can allow him to see how crazy it is for him to be overly focused on his mother and to waste his life in the process.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.