From the outside, it can seem as though a mother enmeshed man just needs to stop focusing on his mother’s life and to focus on his own. By doing this, he will be able to slowly transform his life and live a life that is worth living.
With this in mind, it will be up to him to draw the line with his mother and to make it clear that he doesn’t want to live this way anymore. Or, if this doesn’t take place, it will be up to his mother to encourage him to live his own life.
From The Top
As his mother is the one who came first and is the one who should have been responsible for him very early on, it could be said that she should do what she can to make sure he lives his own life. She won’t have been able to do this very early on, so now will be the time for her to do so.
However, although many, many years will have passed since he was a small boy, it doesn’t mean that she will any different. She might be mellower but that could be about as far as it will go.
Still, there is the chance that as so many years have passed, it has been possible for her to accept that her son is not her possession and that he is here to live his own life. As a result of this, she is now in a position to give her son some of the support that he missed out on very early on.
Thanks to her own evolution and the self-reflection that she has engaged in, she will be able to be a positive, as opposed to a negative, influence on his life. This could mean that she will end up having a conversation with him or she could just say a few things here and there.
Ultimately, his mother will realise that he is an individual who has his own needs and that the time has come for him to no longer solely focus on her. As he will have most likely been this way for most of his life, he might not even know what she is talking about at first.
Then again, he could understand what she is saying and wanted to hear these words for a very long time. Part of him will have been looking for permission from his mother to live his own life and now he will have received it.
After this, he could start to think about what he wants to do more of and he could soon start doing it. He will now have more time and energy and it will be up to him to decide how he will use each of them.
As the days, weeks and months pass, he will be will on the way to creating a fulfilling life. Also, if he is in a relationship, he will have more time and energy for his partner and this could repair a lot of the damage that may have been done.
The above scenario could be seen as the ideal; a mother tells her enmeshed son that he is not on this planet to look after her and her son is able to finally live his own life. In reality, though, her son is unlikely to be in a position where he can just start living his own life.
Due to what he experienced very early on, he can be like a car that has been in a very bad accident and so, it is unlikely that he will just be able to live his own life after he has been given the all-clear. He will have been brought up to play a role and letting go of this role will take time.
Out of Touch
During his early years, his mother will have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. This would have caused him to lose touch with his own needs and feelings, his true self, and to experience a lot of pain.
If he did express himself, he may have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. Not having his met would have painful but trying to get them would have been seen as a threat to his very survival and been even worse.
Now that he is an adult, then, he is likely to be living on the surface of himself and to be out of touch with his true self. This will mean that if he isn’t responsible for his mother, he probably won’t know what to do with himself; it can be as if his purpose has been taken away from him.
And, even if he is connected to his needs and feelings, expressing them can be seen as something that would cause him to be harmed and/or abandoned and for his life to come to an end. In addition to the fear and anxiety that he will experience when he thinks about expressing himself, let alone actually expressing himself, he will experience guilt and shame.
He won’t have received what he needed to receive very early on to go through each developmental stage and this is why it will take time for him to change his behaviour. His early years would have left him in a very bad way and, naturally, his mother’s permission won’t undo the damage that was done.
Nevertheless, if she hadn’t done this, there might not be any external pressure on her son to change. So, she wasn’t unable to provide him with what he needed very early on but at least she has been able to come to her senses and offer a helping hand now that he is an adult.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.