Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have To Disconnect From His Need To Break Away?19/3/2023
What will be clear, if a man behaves as though he is an extension of his mother, is that he hasn’t separated from her. He will then be an adult, but based on how he behaves, it will be as if he is still a dependent child.
However, there is a chance that he is not even aware of the fact that he is not living his own life. If so, he could create the impression that he is happy to live in this way and is not neglecting himself. A Strange Scenario To the outside observer, it could be hard for them to comprehend how a man could be in this position. It will be clear to them that he has his own life to live and that he won’t live forever. Still, they could hope that he is soon able to wake up and smell the roses. If this relates to a close friend of his or someone that is in a romantic relationship with him, they could try to change him. A Waste of Time Assuming that this is a friend of his, they could say that he needs to start focusing on his own life. Additionally, they could say that his life is important and that he won’t get another chance. This might be something that he is able to hear and he could then be grateful for their support. Then again, he could dismiss what they say and end up spending less time with this friend. Resistance If this is what takes place, it will show that he is not ready to face reality. Consequently, he will continue to behave in the same way and put his mother’s needs and well-being before his own. Most likely, if he was to face up to the fact that he is not there for himself, he would come into contact with a lot of pain. Behaving in this way is then not going to be undermining him in one way and serving him in another. One Scenario So, let’s pretend that something was to happen that allowed him to see that he is abandoning himself; he could soon feel the need to go back to how he was before. Not behaving, in the same way, could cause him to experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety. Now, if he was to sit with this and go deeper, he could soon find that he feels that his life will come to an end if he is not there for his mother. As a result of this, it will be a case of him being there for her and surviving or being there for himself and his life coming to an end. Not a Surprise Based on this, it is to be expected that his need to live his own life will have been covered up. His greatest need will be to survive, not to express himself and as this is seen as a risk to his existence, it will have to be denied. The big question is: why would he feel that his life will come to an end if he freely expresses himself and acts like an individual? This is something that should feel comfortable, not something that causes him to feel deeply unsettled. Going Deeper If his life has been this way for as long as he can remember, it could show that he was largely deprived of the emotional nutrients that he needed during his formative years. This may have been a time when his mother used him to meet some of her own needs. Thus, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to truly be there for him and provide him with what he needed to go through each development stage. She may have seen him as nothing more than an extension of herself, which will show underdeveloped she was. A Closer Look Right from the beginning of his life, when he expressed a need, he might have often been punished, disapproved of, rejected and/or abandoned. This would have sent him the message that his needs were bad and a threat to his very survival. He would have gradually lost touch with his needs and the pain he experienced in order to keep it together and function. This probably wouldn’t have stopped any of the above from taking place but it would have made it easier for him to handle what was going on. Another Part His need to express himself and gradually live his own life, then, would have also been repressed. With this need out of the way, there would have been no reason for him to feel a need, let alone a strong need, to break away from his mother. Part of what will fuel this need will be his aggression/fight instinct, and this part of him is then also likely to have been repressed. Adapting in this way would have served him as a child but now it will be preventing him from truly living. It’s over Ultimately, what he fears will happen if he expresses himself will relate to what has already happened. But, as he had to repress how he felt all those years ago and was unable to face and integrate how he felt, it will be seen as something that will happen if he changes his behaviour. With this in mind, it will be essential for him to face this pain and work through it. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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