Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Use Him To Meet Some Her Unmet Developmental Needs?

If a man is in a position where he is overly focused on his mother and is not there for himself, it will be clear that something is not right. This is based on the fact that he is not on this earth to be an extension of anyone else – he is here to live his own life.

So, as this is not taking place, something is likely to have gone wrong during his formative years. The reason for this is that this stage of his life would have played a key part in what he is like as an adult.

A Strange Scenario

But, although he will be neglecting himself, he might not even be aware of this. Along with this, his mother can also be oblivious to the fact that he is not there for himself.

If this is the case, he is not going to be able to help himself and his mother won’t be able to help him either. His life will then continue to pass him by and very little if anything will change.

No Choice

Then again, there could come a point in time when he can no longer behave in this way and is forced to change. This can be something that takes place after he has had a breakdown, for instance.

Alternatively, his mother could end up passing on, changing his life forever. It could be said that the sooner he wakes up the better, as his life is passing him by and he won’t be able to go back in time.

No Way Through

If he was to end up waking up, what could cross his mind is why he is this way. He might also not get far if he talks to his mother about what is going on for him.

She could dismiss and ignore what he says, with it being clear that she is unable to truly see and hear him. From this, he could wonder why his mother is unable to see that he is an individual who has his own needs and feelings and life to lead.

Trapped

But, although he won’t want to experience life in this way, he could continue to do so. It could be as if his mother is in control of him and there is very little that he can do.

From this, what will stand out is that he is not in his power and he doesn’t have a strong sense of self. If he was in his power and had a strong sense of self, his life would be radically different.

A Frustrating Existence

As to why he is this way, it is likely to be due to what he missed out on during his early years. This was probably a time when he ended up being used to meet some of his mother’s needs.

Ergo, instead of this being a time when he was able to receive, it would have been a time when he was forced to give. Naturally, this would have stopped him from being able to grow and develop in the right way.

A Closer Look

When it comes to the needs of his mother that he was forced to meet, there will be her adult and unmet developmental needs. She would then have been an adult during this time, but she is likely to have been in a developmentally stunted state.

Beyond how she looked and the disconnected false self that she had developed, would have been a deeply deprived and wounded child. This is why she looked to her son to be there for her and was unable to truly be there for him - she needed a mother and/or father herself.

Repressed

However, as she is unlikely to have known that she was in an underdeveloped state and is likely to have been unaware of most of her needs, she probably didn’t realise that she was using her son. She might have even seen herself as a ‘good’ mother who gave her son what he needed.

If so, there would have been what she was actually like and what she believed that she was like. What this demonstrates is how her mind would have blocked out reality and she is likely to have first blocked out reality when she was a child in order to handle the pain that she experienced as a result of being deprived.

Two Types

When it comes to the adult needs that she looked toward him to meet, she might have spoken to him about the issues she had with his father and looked towards him to cheer her up when she was sad. He would then have been made into her confidant and made to feel responsible for her wellbeing.

When it comes to the unmet developmental needs that she looked toward him to meet, she might have taken advantage of his focus on and need for her so that she could feel wanted and loved. This would have stopped her from having to feel the sense of being unwanted and unloved that had probably been with her since she was a child.

A natural outcome

Taking this into account, when a man in this position is able to accept that he wasn’t born this way and there is nothing inherently wrong with him, it will be a lot easier for him to be kind to himself. If he had received what he needed, he would be radically different.

What matters now is that he does what he needs to do to gradually change his life. He will need to be courageous and patient and persistent.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk