While some men are able to break away from their mothers, there are other men who are unable to do this. When this doesn’t take place, not only is it going to cause the men to suffer; it is also going to cause the women in their life to suffer.
However, if a man has turned his back on women altogether, they could to be the only ones who have to tolerate what is taking place. Whereas if they still had relationships with women, it is going to mean that their life will also be affected.
In The Beginning
When a woman meets a man who is too close to his mother, it might not stand out, and this can then cause them to get attached to someone who won’t be able to commit to them. Therefore, in the early stages it can be normal for the woman to believe that she has met the ‘one’.
But as time passes, this could be nothing more than an illusion, and she might begin to wonder what she has got herself into. Yet if she has been with men who are like this in the past, she might see certain clues.
The longer she stays with the man, the harder it will be for her to leave, and although other people could also tell her to walk away, part of her might believe that she can change the man. In this case, staying with him is not going to be a waste of time, as it will be seen as something that will work out soon enough.
One approach might be to suggest that he takes a step back from his mother for while, or another option would be for him to see a therapist. On one hand, this could be something that their partner is open to, and on the other hand, it might not be.
In The Short-Term
If they were to go along with their suggestions in the beginning, it might only be a matter of time before they start to behave in the same way. This could then cause the woman to get annoyed and to say that she is going to walk away, and their partner could say that they will change.
The same thing could happen all over again, and the women may see that it is in her best interests to end the relationship. As much as she may want the man to change, it will be important for her to face up to what is actually taking place.
When a woman finds that she continues to attract men who are like this, it will be important for her to look at what is taking place within her. The reason she continues to attract men who are unavailable could be because she is also unavailable.
Therefore, although she may believe that she is ready to find the one, part of her might not be ready. It might then be a good idea for her to work on her self-awareness, and it might also be a good idea for her to work with a therapist.
When a man losses a woman as a result of being too close to his mother, there is a strong chance that he will suffer. But even though he will suffer, it is not going to be enough for him to change.
The pain of breaking away from his mother is then going to be more painful that it will be for him to lose a woman. What this shows is that his mother’s needs are going to be more important than his own needs, and it won’t matter how much pain this causes him.
There is also the chance that he won’t even be aware of his needs or his feelings, and this is then going to make it hard for him to connect to other women. Yet when it comes to his mothers needs, he is likely to know exactly what they are.
One way of looking at this would be to say that he doesn’t have a self of self, and this is because he is enmeshed with his mother. His mother is likely to see him as an extension of herself, and not as a separate individual.
If a woman was to talk to his mother about what is happening, she might not be able to see what the problem is. The fact that her son is unable to live his life is then going to be overlooked.
At a deeper level, his mother could believe that her son is there to look after her, and this could be a sign that she has experienced a similar dynamic. Perhaps she was too close to one of her parents, and as she hasn’t questioned and worked through what happened, the same experience is being played out all over again.
When a man gets to the point where he is no longer willing to sabotage his life in order to please his mother, it may be important for him to reach out for support from a therapist and/or some kind of support group. One of the most important things will be for him to develop a sense of self, and to do this, he will need to get in touch with his needs and feelings.
This will also be a time where he will begin to develop boundaries, and this will give him the ability to stand his ground when he is around his mother. He is likely to be carrying a lot of emotional pain within him, and this is going to be the result of not having his needs met during his younger years.
One way this emotional build-up can be released is through crying out the pain that is within him. Through processing the pain, being affirmed by others and changing his behaviour, he might be able to gradually break away from his mother.
However, there is also the chance that this approach won’t be enough for him to break away. He could find that he has a strong need to stay loyal to his mother, and no matter what he does at a mental or emotional level, for instance, it is not possible for him to live his life and to experience inner peace.
When this happens, the child part of him may be holding on, and this can then stop him from being able to break away. This part could also have the need to remain loyal to his father, and this is because if his father was available, he wouldn’t have needed to be the surrogate spouse.
If one was to live their life, it could cause the child part of them to feel guilty, and as though they are betraying not only their mother, but also their father. This part of them would have taken on their caregivers problems out of love, and as way to give something back to the people who gave them life.
This will show that one’s life is still being defined by the child part of them, and that they are taking responsibility for something that doesn’t belong to them. Ultimately, the man is not responsible for his mother.
Another way would be for the man to ask themselves if they would want their child to sabotage their life in order to please them. Through thinking about this, it may allow them to see how crazy this dynamic is.
One way to let go of the need to be loyal will be for them to have a family constellation, and this is something that can place in a workshop or through a one-to-one session.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.