It could be said that it will be strange if a man has the tendency to focus on his mother’s needs and to be there for her. He will be ignoring his needs and his own life, so this should be something that stands out.
However, although he will be out of balance, what is going on won’t be something that stands out. He will have probably been this way for most of his life, which is why he is oblivious to what is going on.
Still, as he is out of alignment with himself, he is likely to have moments when he experiences a fair amount of anger and frustration. These emotions will be there to tell him that he is living in the wrong way and needs to change his behaviour.
But, as he is unlikely to know why he is experiencing these emotions, he might soon suppress how he feels. Another reason why this would take place is that he feels a strong need to go back to behave in the same way.
Part of him won’t want to behave in the same way, whilst another part of him will want to behave in the same way. The second part will be stronger than the first part, hence why it will be the part that is in control.
This parts main priority will be to please others and his mother, in particular, and won’t be connected to what will please him. One way to look at this would be to say that it is his false self.
Built On Sand
This part of him won’t be connected to his need and feelings, his body, it will a self that has been created on top of his true self. What will direct this self will partly be what other people want and partly what it thinks they want.
Thus, it will seldom source information from within and be inner-directed. This self’s attention will primarily be on what is going on “out there” and rarely on what is going on within him.
A Stranger to Himself
He will then have all this guidance inside him but he will live on the surface of himself. If this wasn’t the case and he was in tune with his body and felt comfortable inhabiting it, it would be a lot harder for him to live in this way.
Not being connected to himself and feeling comfortable in his body, then, is what will allow him to feel comfortable playing a role that doesn’t serve him. He will be a human being but, in many ways, he will be like a machine that has been programmed to be there for others and to neglect itself.
A Way Out
As he is not aware of what is going on, it is going to mean that he won’t consciously look for a way to change his life. Nonetheless, part of his consciousness will want to move forward and to evolve and this could cause him to unconsciously create a scenario where he will “wake up” from the altered state that he is in.
Sooner or later, he could end up meeting a woman to who he is attracted and start a relationship with her. This will give him the chance to finally see that he is neglecting himself.
A Rocky Road
By being on the outside, she will probably be able to see that he is too focused on his mother's needs and overlooks a lot of his own needs. Also, she could find that he is more focused on his mother than on her.
If she was to bring up the first part, it might not go down very well. This could be a time when he will end up dismissing what has been said and accuse his partner of being selfish or as having something against his mother.
Breaking through Ice
If his ego-mind does bat away what has been said, as it might, it doesn’t mean all hope is lost. What was held in his unconscious mind will now have his conscious mind's attention, due to it been mirrored back by his external reality and it might only be a matter of time before his defences start to drop.
Before long, and perhaps after he has been reflecting on what has been said for a little while, he could clearly see that he is too concerned with his mother's needs and needs to start doing what is right for him. This doesn’t mean that his life will change overnight as there is likely to be a lot of work to be done, but the ball will now be rolling.
At this point, though, he could wonder why he has lived in this way for so long and why he hasn’t been in touch with himself and felt comfortable being in his own body and living his own life. What this is likely to illustrate is that his mother used him to fulfil some of her adult and unmet childhood needs very early on.
He would have had to lose touch with his feeling and needs, his true self, and to focus purely on his mother in order to survive. If he did express his needs, he may have been disapproved of, punished and/or abandoned.
He wouldn’t have been able to tell his mother to stop (he wouldn’t have been able to talk at this stage of his life) and he wouldn’t have been able to run away (he would have been totally helpless and dependent on her). When he was born, being in touch with himself would have been normal, but, thanks to the experiences that he had with his mother, being out of touch with himself would have become normal.
Ergo, his formative years wouldn’t have given him what he needed to be able to thrive as an adult; they would have given him what he needed to be estranged from himself and to act like an extension of others and his mother, in particular. This means that there is nothing inherently wrong with him or his needs; he simply missed out on what he needed to develop in the right way.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.