When a man is emotionally entangled with his mother, it will be normal for him to put her needs first. Most likely, this will be something that takes place without him even needing to think about it.
What should be normal is putting his own needs first and, perhaps, being there for his mother from time to time. This would allow him to take care of the most important person in his life, himself, and this would allow him to truly be there for others.
Even if he creates the impression that he doesn’t have needs, this will be nothing more than an illusion. He, like everyone else on this planet, has needs and denying this is going to cause him to suffer in one way or another.
The trouble is that due to how focused he is on his mother's needs, he might not realise that he has needs. This is not to say that he won’t be aware of his need to eat and sleep, for instance, but that could be about as far as it will go.
One and the Same
Thanks to how focused he is on his mother's needs, it could be said that her needs will be seen as his needs. He might not realise that these are her needs and haven’t got anything to do with him.
Nonetheless, taking care of her needs will be what feels comfortable and it will allow him to receive her approval. What this approval will probably do is allow him to keep how he really feels at bay.
But, as he is denying most of his needs, emotional pain is likely to accumulate inside him. Ultimately, he will be working against himself, so it is to be expected that he will pay a price.
Due to this build-up, he may often feel down and depressed but not be aware of why this is. However, when he is around others, he could typically act as though everything is fine and appear to have it all together.
Not only will his mother have her own life force, she will also have most of her son’s life force too. As a result of this, he will be a shadow of the man that he would be if he was using his energy to elevate himself.
To use an analogy: it will be as though there are two plants, one is his and the other is his mothers. Instead of watering his own plant and watering his mothers when she is unable to do this herself, most of his water will be poured into his mother’s plant.
In A Dependent State
If he was able to take a step back and reflect on his behaviour, he might soon find that he feels ashamed of his needs. He could believe that if he was to listen to his own needs, he would end up being rejected and abandoned.
This will show that his survival is attached to his mother, hence why he has such a strong need to please her. Not doing so will be seen as something that would cause his life to come to an end.
If he had received what he needed to receive during his early years, he would have been able to grow into an interdependent human being. Yet, as she used him to full her unmet adult and childhood needs, he wouldn’t have been able to grow and develop.
Many, many years will have passed but, like then, he will still be focusing on his mother’s needs. At first, ignoring his own needs would have felt unconformable but as time passed, it would have gradually felt comfortable.
What’s going on?
This should have been a time when his mother was there for him and provided him with the nurturance that he needed to be able to develop a strong sense of self. Instead, she would have used her son to meet some of her needs.
Now, if his father wasn’t emotionally available or wasn’t around, it could be said that this would have played a part in what took place. Yet, if this was the case, what also needs to be looked into is why his mother would have ended up in this position.
There is a strong chance that his mother was used by one of her parents during her early years. It is likely that this would have caused her to fear closeness and to feel ashamed of her own needs.
Consequently, she would have unconsciously chosen a partner who was emotionally unavailable and unable to meet her needs. When her son was born, a being that would have had the need to please her, she would have unconsciously seen him as someone who would finally be there for her and meet her needs.
History repeats itself
And, just like what happened to his mother, he would have ended up fearing closeness and being ashamed of his needs. As his mother would have been emotionally shut down, she wouldn’t have been able to attune to his needs.
Giving him too much attention, when he wanted to be left and not enough attention, when he wanted to be soothed would have been the norm. He will have been left without the ability to live his own life and to experience intimacy – to be open-hearted and to love.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.