If a man is in a position where he is overly involved with his mother and neglects his own life, it could be said that while one of them will be getting something from this arrangement the other person won’t be. The man’s mother will have someone there to take care of her needs and her son, the man, will overlook most of his needs.
The trouble is that although this is the case, the man might not even be aware of the fact that he is out of balance and has abandoned himself. Due to how focused he is on his mother and what he does to ignore the feedback that is inside him, what is going on might not stand out.
What will also play a part is that this will most likely be how he has behaved for a very long time. There will then be no reason for him to notice what is going on and to change his behaviour.
As for the feedback inside him, that would shed light on what is going on, he can typically ignore this. Still, this is unlikely to be something that he generally consciously chooses to do; it is likely to just happen in most cases.
The Other Side
It is also unlikely that his mother would encourage him to live his own life either, as this can also just be something that is normal for her. Thanks to this, it won’t occur to her that her son is too focused on her and needs to focus more on his own life.
If her son was to end up changing his life, then, it probably won’t be because she has given him the push to do so. Deep down, she can believe that he is there to take care of her and that she is entitled to his time and attention.
If she is this way, it is likely to show that although she is physically an adult, she is not very evolved when it comes to her emotional self. This part of her can be in a very bad way and play a part in why she is unable to realise that her son is a separate being.
For example, if she might not have received what she needed as a child and stayed at the narcissistic stage of her development. This would have caused her problems throughout her life and, once she had her son, it would have caused him problems too.
If so, her parent/s wouldn’t have been able to provide her with what she needed to be able to grow into a well-adjusted adult and, as she didn’t deal with her own issues, for whatever reason, she ended up being unable to give her son what he needed to be able to grow and develop. During his early years, his mother probably used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
This shows that it wasn’t possible for his mother to truly see him as an individual and to be there for him. A time of his life when he needed the right nutrients would have been a time when he had to focus on his mothers needs.
A Living Hell
And, as he was powerless and totally dependent on her, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. The only thing he could do was to disconnect from himself and adapt to what was going on.
He had to lose touch with his true self, so his needs and feelings, and to create a false self that would allow him to survive. This false self would have been built around his need to please his mother.
What should have been a stage of his life when he was receiving was then a stage of his life when he had to give. If he didn’t do what his mother wanted, he would have probably been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned.
Most likely, doing what she wanted didn’t stop this from taking place but it might have decreased the number of times that it did take place and it would have given him a false sense of control. So, now that he is an adult, unless he does what his mother wants, he will feel as though his very survival is under threat and come into contact with a lot of deep pain.
A Strong Need
If he was to start listening to himself and no longer focused on his mother, there is the chance that she would do what she could to make him behave in the same way. She could end up becoming very controlling.
Behind this is likely to be a fear of being abandoned. One of the reasons why she will want him to continue to behave in the same way will be to keep this fear at bay and not to feel as if her life is going to come to an end.
With this in mind, not only will his mother have used him and continue to use him to meet her unmet adult and childhood needs, but she will have used him and continue to use him to stop herself from coming into contact with a lot of deep pain. This is likely to be something that will have and will continue to take place unconsciously.
Even if she comes across as strong on the outside, this will be nothing more than an illusion. Behind the facade that she presents to the world will be a deeply wounded child who feels powerless, helpless and worthless.
If a man can see that he is overly involved with his mother and is ready to draw the line, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.