Mother Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother Enmeshed Man Feel Ashamed Of His True Self?

If a man was able to take a step back and reflect on his behaviour, he may soon find that he generally hides himself around others and rarely shows up. This will mean that his physical self will be seen but he will be estranged from his inner self.

As a result of this, the person who shows up will be a manifestation of what will please others and what he thinks will please others. However, as he will physically be there, it can be normal for others to believe that this is who he is.

Hiding in plain sight

At this point, he could struggle to understand why this would take place. But, when this does take place, it will mean that he will be completely estranged from his true self and will be expressing his false self.

This is likely to show that his attention goes up into his head and he ends up losing touch with his body. Being in his head will make it easier for him to tune into other people’s needs but what it won’t do is allow him to connect to his own.

The Seat of the Self

The reason for this is that his true self will be found in his body, not his head. So, if he disconnects from his body and goes into his head, he will only be able to express his false self.

In addition to this part of him being focused on the needs of others, it can be seen as a repository of all the behaviours and reactions, among other things, that have allowed him to fit in and survive over the years. Therefore, this part will be able to provide him with guidance; it’s just that it won’t be coming from his true essence.

One Focus

Along with having the tendency to hide himself around others, this could be something that also takes place when he is around his mother. This could seem strange, considering the fact that he should feel safe enough to be himself around her.

He will have known her longer than just about any else on this planet, so this shouldn’t take place. When he is in her company, then, he typically won’t be connected to his needs and feelings and will play a role.

A Bleak Existence

Due to how he lives his life, it is not going to be a surprise if feels invisible and as though he doesn’t actually exist. In order for him to be feel seen and to know he does exist, he will need to express who he is around others.

If he doesn’t, his true self will be starved of the nutrient’s that it needs to feel alive and he is likely to feel empty and dead inside. Furthermore, he will continue to direct his energy towards a life that doesn’t fulfil him and perpetuates the misery that he is living.

Going Deeper

Now, if he was to imagine being in touch with his true self around others, being in his body and expressing his true needs and feelings, he could end up feeling uncomfortable. Firstly, he could feel exposed and vulnerable, and, secondly, he could experience fear and anxiety.

If he was to keep going and doesn’t pulling the plug, so to speak, in this imaginary scenario, he may find that he fears that he will be harmed and/or abandoned. What this is likely to show is that he will believe that he needs to hide himself to survive as there is something inherently wrong with who he is - his essence.  

A Massive Risk

Expressing who he is not going to be seen as something that will allow him to feel seen and heard, to form deep connections with others, and, ultimately, to live a life that is worth living, it will be seen as a threat to his very survival. With so much to lose, it is clear to see why he will behave in this way.

This shows that something is not right, though, as he should feel comfortable with who he is and be able to freely express himself. What this may show is that his early years were not very nurturing.

Back In Time

During this stage of his life, his mother may have used him to fulfil some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. He would then have had to lose touch with his needs and feelings, his true self, and to focus on his mother's needs.

If he did express himself, he may have been disapproved of, punished and/or abandoned. It simply wouldn’t have been safe for him to be connected to himself; what would have allowed him to survive was to be there for his mother and to be a non-entity.

The Fall Out

And, as he was egocentric at this stage of his life, he would have personalised what took place. It was then not that his mother couldn’t be there for him as she had her own issues; it was that his needs were bad and his self was inherently flawed.

These early experiences would have conditioned him to believe that being there for others and focusing on their needs was the only way for him to ensure his survival. If he didn’t do this and allowed his true self to see the light of day, his life would come to an end.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his own life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk