Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Focus On His Mother To Keep His Pain At Bay?

When a man is overly focused on his mother, from the outside, it might appear as though he is choosing to live in this way. In general, he could create the impression that he is happy to be there for his mother and that he loves her.

Consequently, it might not be uncommon for people to say that he is the perfect son and is an example of how a son should behave. Or, if this is not something that he is often told, he could often be told something that is very similar.

A Strange Scenario

If this is what is going on, he is going to be in a position where he is neglecting himself and doesn’t seem to have an issue with this. Furthermore, some of the people in his life will provide him with positive feedback for neglecting himself.

Based on this, it could be said that he is behaving in the right way and there is no reason for him to change. However, what is clear is that it is not healthy for him to neglect himself.

His Purpose

If he was merely an extension of his mother and had no needs or feelings of his own, he wouldn’t be neglecting himself. The reason for this, of course, is that he would just be another part of his mother that can be used to fulfil her needs.

As for the positive feedback he receives from others, it is likely to show that it doesn’t occur to these people that he has his own life to lead. For one reason or another, they can believe that a son is on this earth to look after his mother.

Role Reversal

As opposed to a mother being on this earth to be there for her son and to give to him, her son will be on this earth to be there for his mother and to give to her. A mother is then not going to have a child so that she can give the child what they need to grow and thrive; she will have a child so that she has someone who will take care of her needs.

Now, this might not be something that she will be consciously aware of before and after her child is born but it will be what is running outside of her conscious awareness. One doesn’t need to be a psychologist to realise that this type of childrearing is abusive and is the result of what happens when a mother, or father for that matter, is developmentally stunted.

The Norm

For many, many generations, though, mothers, and fathers, have used their sons and daughters to fulfil the needs that their parents didn’t meet. This is unlikely to be something that will end any time soon.

Without realising it, and even justifying their behaviour if it is pointed out how destructive their behaviour is, they will place their child or children into the role of the parent that they needed but never had. The trouble is that no matter what their child or children do for them, they can’t truly fulfil their unmet development needs as the time for these to be met is over.

The Outcome

Due to this, a parent will continue, for as long as they live, to look towards their child or children to be there for them. If their child, or children, was to draw the line and act like an individual, this would probably cause this parent to come into contact with a lot of tension.

Pain that would have been repressed very early on, when their developmental needs were not met as a result of having to be there for their parent or parents, will start to enter their conscious awareness. This can then force them to do whatever it is that they can to make sure their child or children don’t change.

Back On Track

So, what this will show is that if a man is overly focused on his mother and his mother expects him to be there for her, it is likely to be because she is developmentally stunted. Keeping him close, although she probably won’t be aware of this, will be a way for her to keep her pain at bay.

This is what will be going on for her; the big question is what is it that is going on for the man that is causing him to abandon himself. Most likely, as he was brought up to focus on his mother and was deprived of the love that he needed, he lost touch with his true self, stayed in an underdeveloped state and experienced a lot of pain.

The Fall Out

To survive, he would have been forced to create a disconnected false self that would have been focused on his mother’s needs. His own needs would then have become a mystery but he would have been only too aware of his mother’s needs.

In all likelihood, his mother’s needs and feelings would have ended up being seen as his own needs and feelings. If he did try to express himself, he is likely to have suffered in one way or another and this probably took place even when he did do what his mother wanted.

Two Parts

With this in mind, it won’t just be a case of him becoming aware of what is going on and living his own life. He will need to gradually reconnect to his true essence and work through the pain that is held inside him.

If these two steps are not taken and he tried to live his own life, he would probably soon feel lost and come into contact with a lot of pain. This is why breaking away or the liberation process will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

---

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.
• Consultations.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk