Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Hate Himself?

If a man had the ability to live forever, it could be said that it wouldn’t matter if he spent most of his life doing things for his mother. Naturally, there would come a point in time when his mother was no longer around and he would be able to concentrate on his own life.

However, as he won’t be on this planet forever, the time that he spends doing things for his mother will be a time that he won’t get back. Therefore, he will be wasting his precious life by behaving in this way.

Unaware

The trouble is that he probably won’t even realise that he is neglecting himself as this is likely to just be what is normal. This doesn’t mean that he won’t pay a price by behaving in this way, though.

The pain that he experiences by neglecting himself will build up inside him and this could end up taking him out at some point. A lot of his energy is likely to be spent keeping his emotional pain at bay and this emotional pain will also contain his energy.

An Exhausting Existence

To keep this up, he will need to rely on his willpower, a fuel source that is provided by his mind. He won’t have access to his emotional fuel, a fuel source that is provided by his body.

The approval, acceptance and attention that he receives from others and his mother, in particular, can be what will keep him going. This feedback is not going to make up for the fact that he won’t be receiving what he needs and will be running on empty a lot of the time.

Drawing the Line

He will need to see that he is neglecting himself and that he is not here to focus on his mother's needs. If this doesn’t take place, sooner or later, his body is likely to say enough is enough and to force him to stop.

For him to see that he is not living his own life, another person will most likely need to mirror this back to him. This could be something that will take place if he was to get into a relationship, for instance.

The Messenger

Thanks to being on the outside, his partner will be able to see what is going on and it may be possible for her to get through to him. Then again, he might dismiss what it said and could deny that he is out of balance.

But, even if this was to take place, he could gradually come to accept that what his partner is saying is the truth. Due to the defences that he had in place, it will have taken a while for him to face reality.

Brought To the Surface

Now, once he has been able to accept that he is too focused on his mother and is neglecting himself in the process, he might be able to gradually change his behaviour. At the same time, he could find that he does know what his needs are and even if he does, he could experience guilt and shame, along with fear and anxiety, if he was to simply think about expressing them, let alone actually expressing them.

Listening to himself and taking care of his needs will be the right thing for him to do but it will seem like the wrong thing for him to do. This can give him the need to go back to how he was before; it won’t be fulfilling but it will be what feels comfortable.

Going Deeper

If he was to be with how he feels, he may find that he feels worthless and believes that he doesn’t deserve to have his needs met. And, if he does reveal his needs, he can believe that he will end up being harmed and/or abandoned.

He could even end up coming into contact with a deep sense of self-hate, with him feeling as though he doesn’t deserve to exist. What is going on at the core of his being, then, will be what is causing him to abandon himself.

What’s going on?

The relationship that he has with himself and his own needs will largely be the result of how his mother treated him. During his early years, his mother will have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.

To survive, he would have had to lose touch with his needs and feelings and focus on his mother. If he didn’t do this, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned.

Taken To Heart

As he was egocentric at this stage of his life, he would have believed that there was something inherently wrong with him and his needs. This would have caused him to experience self-hate and to reject himself.

His true self would have gone into hiding and he would have been forced to develop a false self. So, underneath the facade that he presents to the world will be someone who is carrying a lot of pain and is not in a good way.

The Truth

If he wasn’t egocentric at this stage of his life and his thinking brain was fully developed, he would have been able to see that his mother wasn’t in a good way. This is why she treated him so badly, not because there was something inherently wrong with him or his needs.

For him to know this deep down and not just at an intellectual level, he will need to work through his inner wounds. This is not something that will take place overnight; it will take patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk