It can be hard for someone to understand why a man would be happy to focus on his mother’s needs and ignore his own. This could be something that his partner could find confusing, that’s if he has one.
Along with this, his mother could treat him badly and feel entitled to his attention and support. Thus, he will be doing very little for himself and a lot for her but she might not even appreciate it.
He will be putting his life on hold to be there for his mother and she will be taking advantage of him. Yet, instead of getting angry about what is going on and drawing the line, he will simply tolerate it.
Based on how he acts around his mother and what he says about her, it could be as though she treats him well. So, no matter how she treats him, he could continue to be there for her and to have a positive view of her.
A Big Difference
However, when he is around his partner, a very different side of him could often appear. He could often be verbally abusive, impatient, and cold and act as if she has no value to him.
The person, who treats him well and doesn’t abuse him, unlike his mother, will be treated badly. In a way, it will be like he is punishing his partner for how his mother treats him.
If the man was able to connect to his aggression when he was around his mother, he would be able to stand up for himself. Moreover, he would be able to make it clear to her that he can no longer do so much for her and that he has to focus more on his own life.
This would allow him to start building up his own life and to create a life that is worth living. Until this happens, his life will continue to pass him by and he will be wasting his precious time and energy on his mother.
A Strange Scenario
For some reason, he won’t be able to see that his mother is not treating him very well and that his partner is not his enemy. Something will be stopping him from being able to see clearly.
This is not to say that he will be consciously choosing to deceive himself as this is likely to be something that he is not even aware of. Most likely, this will be a way for him to avoid a lot of deep pain.
When it comes to how he treats his partner, this is likely to be a reflection of how part of him feels towards his mother. These feelings will partly be the result of how his mother treats him as an adult and how she treated him during his early years.
This will show that he is unable to see his partner for who she is; he is projecting his mother into her. What this will illustrate is that he doesn’t see his partner as having control over his survival, which is why he feels safe enough to express this part of himself around her.
A False Image
His mother, on the other hand, is seen as having control over his survival, which is why he doesn’t feel safe enough to express how he truly feels around her. Deep down, he will believe that if he displeases his mother, his life will come to an end.
To handle how his mother treated him very early on, he would have created an idealised view of her. Denying what she was really like would have stopped him from having to face up to the fact that she couldn’t provide him with what he needed as this would have been too much for him to handle at this stage of his life.
A Traumatic Time
At this stage of his life, he needed his mother to provide him with the nurturing that he needed to develop. But, as his mother would have used him to fulfil her unmet adult and child needs, this wouldn’t have taken place.
As he was powerless and totally dependent on his mother, he had to lose touch with reality and create a false view of her. In addition to this, he would have had to disconnect from his needs and feelings.
A Natural Response
Not having his needs met would have caused him to suffer greatly, and this would have caused him to experience anger, rage and hate. It simply wouldn’t have been safe enough for him to express them.
If he did, he would have probably been disapproved of, punished and/or abandoned. Losing touch with himself, to hopefully keep his mother around, would have been seen as the only way for him to survive.
Stuck In The Past
Now, many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but he will be developmentally stunted and in a traumatised state. It won’t matter that his survival will no longer depend on his mother as it will still be attached to her.
If he was to let go of the idealised image that he has of her and to express how he really feels, he would experience a lot of fear and anxiety. Maintaining his false view of her is then a way for him to keep it together and to stop himself from being wiped out by the trauma that is held inside his body.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.