Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have A False Self?

If a man spends a lot of time doing things for his mother, he can come across as though he has no needs. Unlike a lot of people on the planet, then, he will be a selfless human being.

By being this way, not only can his mother provide him with a lot of approval, plenty of other people can too. Therefore, he can be used to receiving a fair amount of positive feedback from others.

A Steady Stream of positivity

His mother could describe him as the perfect son, as someone who does what he can to be there for her and to make sure she is fine. As for his friends, colleagues and the people he meets at work, for instance, these people could also say something very similar.

However, if the man is in a relationship, his partner could have a very different view of him. She could see him as someone who is there for others but who isn’t there for himself or her.

Out of Balance

Now regardless of whether he is in a relationship or not, what is clear is that he is neglecting himself. Thus, although he will be kind to others, he won’t be being very kind towards himself.

Taking this into account, the kindness that he displays towards others is unlikely to be real kindness. Instead, the main reason why he behaves in this way is likely to be to please others.

Anything But Selfless

This will show that he has a strong need for approval, with just about his whole life being a way for him to attain it. If he was to draw the line and change his behaviour, he would probably come into contact with a lot of mental and emotional pain.

Still, this is not to say that this is something that he consciously chooses to do as this is likely to be something that just happens. In general, he is likely to be focused on what is going on externally, having very little, if any, awareness of what is taking place internally.

On The Surface

As a result of this, his needs and feelings are likely to typically be a mystery to him. What won’t be a mystery to him, though, will be the needs and feelings of most of the people in his life.

Living in this way will be a very effective way for him to gain approval but it won’t be a very effective way for him to live a fulfilling life. For that to happen, he will need to be connected to himself and start taking care of his own needs.

In Denial

But, even though living in this won’t be truly serving him, he will feel compelled to behave in the same way. It will be essential for him to deceive others, along with himself, as this will be a way for him to keep his true feelings at bay.

Ultimately, his true self will be being dominated by his false self, and it could take something drastic for this to change. The man may need to have a breakdown, breakup or an illness to finally connect to his true essence.

Loaded Up

As he has such a strong need to behave in the same way and avoid reality, it is clear that he is carrying a lot of pain. If this wasn’t the case, he would just be able to see what is going on and change his behaviour.

To understand why he is carrying so much pain and behaves in this way, it will be necessary to take a closer look at what probably took place during his early years. This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he missed out on what he needed in order to grow and develop.

Way Back

Most likely, his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. This would have meant that most of his needs would have been overlooked and he had to focus on his mother and take care of her needs.

If he didn’t do this, and this would have probably taken place anyway, he would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. The outcome of all this is that his true self would have gone into hiding and a false self would have been developed.

Weak Foundations

Not having his needs met on a consistent basis would have stopped him from being able to pass through each developmental stage and it would have caused him to suffer greatly. The false self that was developed very early on would have allowed him to so survive and, now that he is an adult, it will allow him to keep it together.

If this false self was to fall away, he would, once again, be thrown right back into the emotional pain that he experienced as a child. He won’t have received the nutrients that he needed to have developed a strong core and this is why he will need the approval of others to stop himself from falling apart.  

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk