If a man spends most of his life doing things for his mother and overlooking his own life as a result, he is unlikely to have much of a life himself. He will be an individual with his own life to lead but that will be as far as it will go.
So, as opposed to being the leading character in his own story, known as his life, he will be nothing more than a supporting character. His mother, on the other hand, will be the main character in his story.
The Centre of His World
She will be his focus and doing what she wants will be his main priority. He is then going to look like an individual but he will act as though he is simply an extension of his mother.
Consequently, it might not matter what he is doing as, if his mother needs him, he could soon put it to one side. She won’t have a remote control for him but she will still be able to control him from a distance.
His Own Life
When it comes to what he does for a living, he may have a very basic job or a vocation. Either way, it is unlikely that he will be able to direct much energy towards this area of his life.
The reason for this, of course, is that so much of his life force will be going towards his mother. For him to have a deeply rewarding career and to move forward in this area of his life, he will need to focus less on his mother.
However, as his mother is the centre of his world and he acts like an extension of her, there is the chance that he feels comfortable staying in the background, so to speak. Without being consciously aware of it, he will do what he can to make sure that he doesn’t stand out.
This will mean that he will rarely, if ever, express his needs and will do what he can to hide himself around his mother. But, even if he is not around his mother, he could still have the tendency to fade into the background.
Hiding in Plain Sight
When this happens, physically here will be there but that will be it, as how he comes across won’t be a reflection of his true self. So, he won’t express his needs and feelings; he will just play a role that will allow him to please his mother or others.
Most likely, his mother won’t even realise that he is simply playing a role as she can just expect him to be there for her and to take care of her needs. It might not even occur to her that he is separate from her, with her seeing him as her possession.
This is likely to illustrate that, while part of him will want to express who he is, however weak this part may be, another part of him, an even stronger part, won’t want him to do this. This part will make sure that who he is doesn’t see the light of day.
The outcome of this is that he won’t be able to fully step into his power and create a life that reflects who he truly is. Thus, he won’t live in a real prison but he will live in an invisible prison.
If he was to think about freely expressing who he is and what it would be like to live a life that reflected who he was, he could end up being filled with anxiety and fear. Instead of him doing the right thing and living in the right way, it will be as though he is doing the wrong thing and living in the wrong way.
What this is likely to show is that hiding who he is and staying small is seen as the only way for him to survive. Unless this changes, he will continue to merely survive; it won’t be possible for him to thrive.
What’s going on?
Looking back on what probably took place during his early years and the impact that this had on him is likely to shed light on why he is this way. At this stage of his life, his mother probably used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
This would have stopped him from being able to go through each developmental stage and he would have come to believe that he can only survive by hiding himself. The reason being that if he did express his needs or feelings, his true self, he is likely or have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned, and this probably took place anyway.
The Foundations Were Laid
Now that he is an adult he doesn’t need to hide who he is or to stay small to be able to survive. Yet, as his emotional self is stuck at this stage of his life, due to him not having received what he needed to be able to grow and develop and being traumatised, he doesn’t know this at the core of his being.
For his life to truly change, his emotional self will need to grow. Also, he will need to question what he believes and for his inner experience to be validated as he will have most likely have had a life where both others and himself have invalidated his inner experience.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.