Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have A Lot Of Unmet Childhood Needs To Grieve?8/9/2021
Based on how a man, who is entangled with his mother, behaves, it can be as if he is his mother’s parent. So, regardless of whether or not he is actually a parent, he will certainly act like one.
As a result of this, he will spend a lot of time and energy doing things for his mother and focusing on her. Due to how he behaves, he will create the impression that he is a selfless human being. It’s Automatic In reality, he will be ignoring most of his needs and feelings, and this is why he will be able to behave in this way. Instead of being in tune with himself and others, he will primarily be in tune with others and his mother, in particular. Still, this is not to say that this is something that he is consciously aware of as it is likely to take place just outside of his awareness. This will show that he has a strong need to avoid how he feels and to be there for his mother. Self-Harm But, even though he is not aware of what is going on, it doesn’t mean that he won’t pay a price for behaving in this way. He is likely to spend a lot of time running on empty and, sooner or later, he could end up hitting rock bottom. He will be neglecting himself, so it is to be expected that he won’t be able to behave this way forever. It could take years before he gets to the point where he can’t continue, though, and this may appear to come out of nowhere. Both Ways Along with him not being aware of the fact that he is out of balance, it is unlikely that his mother will be aware of this either. She could simply expect him to be there for her and it might not even occur to her that he is not responsible for her. Therefore, it is highly unlikely that she will ever encourage him to focus on his life and to spend less time doing things for her. She will be using him and this is not going to change any time soon. Waking Up If he was to get to the point where he can’t continue, he simply won’t be able to be there for his mother. This can be a time when he is totally exhausted and finds it hard to do even the basics. Another thing that could allow him to see clearly is that he could end up getting into a relationship. If this was to happen, it might stop him from needing to have a breakdown but that doesn’t mean that it will be easy for him to draw the line with his mother. Resistance Initially, he could deny that he is too focused on his mother and accuse his partner of being the one who has the issue. As time passes, however, he could gradually come to accept that he is living in the wrong way. He could then come to see that he needs to start focusing on his own life and spend less time focusing on his mother’s life. Even so, this can be a time when he will be filled with guilt and shame, and experience fear and anxiety. Compelled On one level, he will want to change his life but, on another level, he will feel the pull to behave in the same way. Behaving, in the same way, will allow him to feel more settled yet it won’t allow him to live a life that is worth living. If he was able to stop himself from behaving in the same way and was to be with how he feels, he could end up coming into contact with a deep sense of loss. Once again, this can give him the need to be there for his mother. A Deeper Look As his mother most likely used him during his early years to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs, it would have meant that most of his needs would have been overlooked. He wouldn’t have been able to do anything about this, he simply had to adapt to what was going on. Not having most of his needs met would have stopped him from receiving the nutrients that he needed to be able to grow and develop and it would have caused him to experience a lot of pain. So, if his mother wasn’t truly her for him, this stage of his life would have been filled with endless losses. Two Reasons Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life but this pain will have stayed locked in his body. By being there for his mother, he will typically be able to keep this pain at bay. Also, the child part of him will still be looking for the love that it missed out on all those years ago. Behaving in the same way, so pleasing his mother will be seen as a way to finally receive this love. It’s Over Nonetheless, as she was unable to provide this love at that stage of his life, it is highly unlikely that she will be able to do so at this stage of his life. And, even if she could, it is too late now. These unmet childhood needs will need to be faced and grieved so that he can let go of this stage of his life. This won’t happen overnight as there can be many child parts inside him that are still looking for what wasn’t provided all those years ago. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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