If a man is in a position where he spends a lot of time focusing on his mother’s needs and neglects his own, it can be clear to the outsider that something is not right. After all, he will be an individual with his own life to lead; he won’t be here to act as an extension of his mother or anyone else for that matter.
Nonetheless, although this is the truth, the man might not even realise that he is living in the wrong way. How he lives could just be what is normal, meaning that it won’t even stand out.
As a result of this, he will continue to behave in this way and there will be no reason for him to change. This will also mean that his life will continue to pass him by and he won’t ever be able to turn back the clock.
With this in mind, the sooner he ‘wakes up’, the sooner he will be able to make the most out of the life that he has been given. The challenge is that if he is very much caught up in his mother’s life, it could take a while for him to see clearly.
Moreover, even if he was to get to the point where he is able to see that something is not right, it doesn’t mean that he will simply be able to draw the line with his mother and live his own life. No, once he arrives at this point, it could be said that the real work will begin.
What this illustrates is that for a man in this position, the answer to what is going on is not merely awareness and a change in behaviour. Along with these two elements, which are key, is the inner work that will need to take place.
Now, in addition to the defences that his mind can have in place to prevent him from facing reality, there can be the social customs that can also hold him back. For example, he may live in a society that encourages sons to be there for their mothers.
In a society like this, a son won’t be seen as an individual who has his own life to lead, he will be seen as being responsible for his mother. The chances of him being encouraged to live his own life and to implement boundaries with his mother are going to be very low.
Planting A Seed
But, regardless of whether or not he lives in a society like this, it can still be difficult for him to see clearly. Consequently, it could take a relationship or something dramatic for him to gradually change his life.
If he was to end up in a relationship, his partner, though being on the outside, may be able to gradually remove the blinders for him. Yet, if this does take place, there could be a lot of resistance until the man can fully accept reality.
Once the man is able to do this, he is likely to find that although part of him wants to change his life, another part of him doesn’t. The mere thought of changing his life could fill him with fear and anxiety.
Due to this, he can find that he continues to be there for his mother and to neglect himself and his partner. This may even cause him to believe that he doesn’t have what it takes to change his life.
Pulling His Strings
While it may seem as though his mother is in control of him, this is nothing more than an illusion. In reality, she is simply unlocking old wounds, wounds that probably go back to a stage of his life when he was dependent and totally powerless.
Most likely, his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs, and this would have both traumatised and stopped him from receiving what he needed in order to grow and develop. Therefore, what he fears will happen if he doesn’t focus on his mother and please her, is likely to relate to what has already happened.
What he could also find is that he doesn’t believe that he deserves to have his own life, let alone live his own life. Moreover, he could believe that he doesn’t deserve to have his needs met or to have his feelings acknowledged.
This can also be a time when he finds that he doesn’t believe that he deserves to exist, be treated with respect or have his boundaries respected. If this is what is taking place inside him, it is not going to be a surprise that he is overly focused on his mother.
Ultimately, if his developmental needs had been met on a regular basis throughout his early years, he would have known that he has rights. He would know that he has the right to have and to live his own life, to have his needs met and his feelings acknowledged.
Also, that he has the right to exist, to be treated with respect and to have his boundaries respected. He will have been treated like he was an object and this would have stopped him from forming a strong core and developing basic expectations.
If a man can relate to this and is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.