Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Need To Redefine Himself?

If a man has spent most if not all of his life focusing on and doing things for his mother, he is unlikely to have a very empowering view of himself. Even so, this doesn’t mean that he will be aware of this.

But, if he has been this way for a very long time, why would he be aware of this? How he is will just be what is normal, so it is to be expected that it won’t be something that will stand out.

Looking Closer

Assuming that he is not aware of this, if he was able to take a step back and reflect on how he sees himself, he would probably find that it is as though he has about as much value as a piece of rubbish on the floor. Along with this, he could see that he believes that his purpose on this earth is to be there for his mother.

With this in mind, it is going to make complete sense as to why he neglects himself and is primarily there for his mother. Deep down, this is going to be seen as his only option; he simply won’t have another choice.

The Foundations Were Laid

Most likely, his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs during his developmental years. It then wouldn’t have occurred to her that he was a separate being who had his own needs and feelings and, over time, his own life to lead.

This would have deprived him of the nutrients that he needed to be able to go through each developmental stage. The outcome of this is that his physical and mental self will have grown but his emotional self wouldn’t have fully grown.

No Different

How he behaves as an adult is then a continuation of how he had to behave as a child. Very early on, he is likely to have resisted what was going on but, as time passed, this resistance is likely to have been repressed.

The parts of him that are not happy with how he lives are then going to be outside of conscious awareness. In other words, he will have gradually been undermined, taking away his natural desire to assert himself and live his own life.

Domesticated

For his life to change, he will need to become aware of what is going on and gradually reconnect to his inner fire. Like a wild animal that has been held in captivity for many years, he will have lost touch with his raw power.

It might take something dramatic for him to wake up out of his slumber, though. Due to how repressed, shut down, underdeveloped and estranged he is from himself, behaving in a way that is not serving him is going to be what is comfortable.

The Wake-up Call

After experiencing a breakup, losing his job, or another big setback, he could gradually start to see clearly. This is not to say that he will now be awake and that’s the end of it, as he could still have moments when he goes back to how he was.

But, after seeing the light, so to speak, it is likely to be a lot harder for him to deny what is actually going on for any length of time. And, as his defences have started to crumble, a lot of pain, pain that was previously repressed, is likely to enter his conscious awareness.

Shinning the light

What he could soon discover, after looking into how he views himself, is that he is more like his mother’s servant than her son. He is then going to be on this earth to take care of her needs and he won’t have the right to live his own life, let alone be worthy of doing so.

Upon realising this, it could occur to him that his life is not going to change until he changes how he sees himself. However, there could be times when he finds it hard to accept that how he sees himself is not the truth.

A Natural Outcome

Yet, if he has seen himself in this way for most of his life, this is not going to be much of a surprise. Ultimately, his mind is not just going to let go of the identity that he has formed; it will take time.

Questioning what he believes about himself will be important and he will need to face and work through the pain that is inside him. This pain will have been repressed when his development needs were not met.

The Truth

Regardless of how he was treated during his formative years and has continued to be treated, he is not here to be an extension of anyone else. He also has the right to and is worthy of having his own life.

For him to know this at the core of his being and for it to not just be an idea in his mind, he is likely to have a lot of work to do on himself. This is going to take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk