It is incredibly important for a man to not only have the ability to say yes and no, but to really mean it when he says each word. Having this ability will allow him to listen to and protect himself.
However, if a man is emotionally entangled with his mother, he may find that he doesn’t know how to say no. In fact, he might not even think of saying no to his mother, let alone actually saying no.
Out of Balance
If he is this way with her, there is a strong chance that he will be this way with most people. In general, he could find that he says yes and just does things without even thinking about if he actually wants to do them.
There could be people who will describe him as a “yes man”, seeing him as someone who is easy-going and only too happy to be there for others. The trouble is that although he will be there for others, his mother in particular, he will rarely be there for himself.
So, if his mother called him and asked if he could do something for her, such as to go shopping or pick something up, he could soon be on his way. It might not matter what he is doing as her needs will take precedence.
He will then be a separate individual but it will be as if he has strings and his mother will regularly pull these strings. Whenever she says jump, he will jump and his own needs will be put to one side.
After he has done something for her, he could end up feeling angry and frustrated. But, if he does feel this way, he could soon end up suppressing how he feels and carrying on as normal.
This will show that he doesn’t allow himself to embrace how he really feels and does what he can to behave in the same way. If he was to become aware of this, he could struggle to understand why he avoids his true feelings.
Ultimately, his feelings will be providing him with valuable feedback, and, his life will only change if he listens to how he feels and allows his feelings to influence his behaviour. Being focused on what is going on externally and overlooking what is going on internally is not serving him.
Instead of working with himself, he will be working against himself. The truth is that he is on this planet to express who he is, not to act as though he is an extension of others and to fulfil their needs.
If he was to imagine saying ‘no’ to his mother, he could end up feeling incredibly uncomfortable. He will be doing the right thing but it will feel as though he is doing something wrong.
He could feel extremely guilty and experience intense fear and anxiety. After having this inner experience, it could become crystal clear as to why he neglects himself and does what other people want.
Due to how he feels when he listens to himself, he is naturally going to do what he can to please others. Being there for others, not himself will be what feels comfortable.
It certainly won’t allow him to live a fulfilling life but it will stop him from feeling bad and on edge. He will pay the price by neglecting himself yet the alternative will be seen as being even worse.
Listening to himself should feel comfortable and the fact that this is not the case is likely to show that his early years were not very nurturing. Most likely, this was a stage of his life when he had to meet some of his mother’s adult and unmet childhood needs.
This would have meant that he was discouraged from expressing his needs and he would have lost touch with them as a result. If he did express his needs, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned.
The foundations were laid
These early experiences would have set him up to believe that his needs were bad and that he can only survive by pleasing others, and, if he was to express himself, he would be doing something wrong and would end up being harmed or his life would come to an end. Quite simply, he will have been emotionally abandoned, and, as this is familiar and, therefore, associated as what is safe, he will continue to abandon himself.
What took place will be well and truly over but he is likely to carry a lot of emotional pain and trauma. The beliefs/associations that were formed, along with this inner material, will stop him from being able to be in his own body, connected to his true self and doing what is right for him.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.