Mother Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother Enmeshed Man Realise That He Can Live His Own Life?

If a man is in a position where he is overly caught up in his mother’s life and neglects his own life as a result, he is unlikely to have much of a life. This is because most of his time and energy will be directed towards his mother.

However, although his life is unlikely to be very fulfilling and his self is likely to be very watered down, he might not realise that he is living in the wrong way. Yet, due to the fact that living in this way is likely to be what is normal, this is to be expected.

Unseen

For some people, it will be clear that he is too caught up in his mother’s life and is neglecting himself. Even so, there are likely to be others who believe that he is behaving in the right way.

By being there for his mother, he can be seen as caring and selfless, for instance. Still, regardless of what goes through someone else’s mind when they are exposed to his behaviour, it won’t change the fact that he is unable to see clearly.

How is this possible?

It might seem strange as to how he wouldn’t be able to see what is going on but he has probably been this way for most of his life. If he has more or less always experienced life in this way, this can just be seen as how life is.

Until something happens, then, to wake him up from the experience that he is having, he won’t be able to realise that there is another way to experience life. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be feedback inside that is there to notify him that he is going against himself.

A lot of Force

As he is living in the wrong way, he is likely to experience a fair amount of “negative” thoughts and feelings. But, as he is likely to have a strong need to behave in the same way, he can typically push this feedback out of his conscious awareness.

In general, this can be something that takes place without him even being aware of it. Even so, a lot of his energy will be used to keep this pain at bay and this pain will be made of energy, so he won’t have access to a lot of his energy.

Heading For a fall

Thanks to this, there could come a point in time when he simply no longer has the energy to behave in the same way. If this was to take place, he may find that he can’t even get out of bed.

Before this, though, he could end up getting in a relationship, and his partner may clearly see what is going on. Before long, she could wonder why he is so focused on his mother and is not really there for himself or her.

A Wall

If she was to bring this up, she could find that he is not willing to face up to what is going on. He could deny what she says and make out that she is the one who has the problem, not him.

As time passes, however, he may gradually be able to accept that he doesn’t have much of a life and is too focused on his mother. This is a process that could take a number of months.

No Choice

One thing that his partner could make clear is that he is not responsible for his mother and that he has his own life to lead. When he thinks about living his own life, he could be filled with guilt and shame, and he could experience fear and anxiety.

This will create the impression that he would be doing the wrong thing by living his own life and that he needs to continue to behave in the same way. He can end up feeling powerless, helpless and hopeless.

A Need for Permission

Therefore, in order for his life to change, he will need his mother to give him the all-clear. Until this happens, he will feel as though he has to be there for her and to watch his own life pass by in the process.

Now, even if his mother was to do this, it is unlikely that he would feel free to live his own life due to what is taking place inside him. And, if his mother is totally oblivious of the fact that her son is an individual and she is using him, she probably won’t ever give him the all-clear.

What’s going on?

He is going to be a man who is free to live his own life and yet he will be unaware of the fact that he doesn’t need anyone to give him permission to be able to do this. To understand why he would be this way, it will be necessary to take a deeper look into what is likely to have taken place during his early years and the effect that this had on him.

This was probably a stage of his life when his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet child needs. If he expressed his needs, he is likely to have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned.

The Message

It simply wouldn’t have been safe for him to express himself and he would have come to believe that both his needs and self were bad. His true self would have gone into hiding and as he didn’t receive the nutrients that he needed to grow and develop, he would have stayed in an emotionally underdeveloped state.

He is then going to look like a man but he will feel like a dependent child and this is why he will need his mother’s permission to be able to live his own life. If he doesn’t receive this and he tries to live his own life, he will believe that he will be mistreated or abandoned and left to die.

Awareness

Ultimately, it is now up to the man to give himself permission to live his own life and, from here, he can gradually break away from his mother. The power is now in his hands, not his mothers.

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk