One thing that can cross a woman’s mind, that’s if she is in a relationship with a man who is entangled with his mother, is if he can see that he is not living his own life. By being on the outside, so to speak, she will be able to clearly see what is going on.
As opposed to putting his own needs first and doing what is right for him, he will have the tendency to put his mother’s needs first and to do what is right for her. This could be something that a number of other people have noticed throughout his life but haven’t mentioned.
Then again, if this has been mentioned in the past, he may have dismissed what was said. This is likely to mean that he won’t have taken the time to reflect on what was said.
If he had taken the time to consider what was said, it would have given him the chance to change his life. Unfortunately, it would have been a case of business as usual and he would have continued to go down the same path.
Now that he is in a relationship, he will have another person in his life that can see what is going on and who has, or will, make this clear. If she has yet to make this clear, how he responded in the past could be how he will respond again.
His partner will then have something important to share and will have his best interests at heart but she can end up being seen as the problem. This will stop him from taking a look at what has been said and she could end up being criticised.
If this was to take place, his partner could get the impression that he is not going to change and could believe that she needs to call it a day. Alternatively, she could believe that he will change if she hangs in there and doesn’t give up on him.
There is the chance that he will change if he values and loves the woman he is with. Then again, it can all depend on how entangled he is with his mother and if part of him, irrespective of how small this part is, is ready to draw the line.
With this aside, it can seem strange how a man could be in a position like this and not see what is going on. It won’t be necessary for someone to be in a relationship with him to see that he is not living his own life; this will be something that might stand out after someone has known him for a very short period of time.
Still, although it will be easy for an outsider to see, it will be something that he is unable to see. Or, if he does have moments when it crosses his mind that something is not right, he could soon block out these insights.
Considering that he is an individual, with his own needs, wants, desires and preferences, he should be able to see that something is not right. Not only this, he should have the need to look into why his life is the way that it is and to do something about it.
Instead, most of his time and energy will be directed towards his mother and he won’t have the need to do anything about this. What is clear is that he is neglecting himself and for some reason, this is what feels comfortable.
Back In Time
Most likely, this is a consequence of what took place during his early years, with this being a stage of his life when he had to focus on his mother needs. Due to her being in an undeveloped state, she would have unconsciously have seen him as an extension of herself and as someone who was there to fulfil her needs.
To survive, he would have had to lose touch with his true self and to develop a false self. This would have involved losing touch with his own needs and feelings, his inner world, and being super focused on his mother’s needs and feelings, her outer world.
The Fall Out
In addition to becoming estranged from himself, he wouldn’t have received what he needed to receive in order to grow and develop. He will then look like a man but he will be in a symbiotic state and thus, will probably feel like a traumatised boy deep down.
His early experiences taught him that his needs were bad and, as his needs were part of him, he would have believed that he was bad. Furthermore, he would have been conditioned from a young age to focus on his mother and to ignore himself.
Replaying The Past
With this in mind, it is to be expected that focusing on his mother will feel comfortable and it won’t cross his mind that he is going against himself – his sense of self will be in an undeveloped state. This is what he has been doing for most of his life.
He could often feel frustrated and angry, though, but, as he is likely to suppress these feelings, he could find that he often feels down and depressed. So, unlike ancient Sparta where boys were brought up to be warriors, he will have been brought up to serve his mother.
The person who was supposed to help to prepare him for the real world would have used him. He is on this planet to live his own life, that’s the truth; he is not here to act like his mothers parent.
His father is unlikely to have been emotionally available, that’s if he was even around, at this stage of his life either, as his support would have allowed him to start the individuation process; to have gradually gone from being emotionally enmeshed to his mother, to emotionally separate from her. This would have enabled him to have developed a strong sense of self and healthy boundaries.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.