If a man is overly focused on his mother and neglects himself, it might appear as though he has chosen to be with way. After all, he will be an adult so it’s not as if he won’t have a choice when it comes to how he behaves.
Not only this, but if he was asked about this, he could also say that he wants to be there for his mother and that he is not being forced. At this point, someone on the outside could wonder what is going on.
A Strange Scenario
What they could question is why a man in this position, a man who is neglecting himself, would have chosen to be this way. They could wonder if there is something inherently wrong with him.
As far as they are concerned, he will be behaving in a way that is anything but healthy. Yet, they are not going to be the only ones who will have this view; as there are going to be numerous others who also have this outlook.
So, if a woman is in a relationship with a man like this, she could wonder if he will ever be able to see the light, so to speak. If she has been with him for quite some time, she might doubt if this will ever happen.
She might have tried to get through to him on so many occasions and this is likely to have taken a lot out of her. If she is not there already, she might soon get to a place where she can no longer carry on living in this way.
Still, if a small part of her does believe that he will change, this could cause her to not give up on him. If this is the case, she will continue to say in a relationship where she is being deprived of so much.
It might be necessary for her to take a step back at this stage and to look into if she is replaying a scenario from her early childhood. She might be engaging in something called repetition compulsion.
A Closer Look
What this means is that although she will no longer be a child or even younger, she will unconsciously see the man as her mother or father or as a combination of both. Thanks to this, part of her will be trying to receive what was not provided all those years ago.
But, not only is the man not her mother and/or father, this stage of her life has passed. Consequently, the developmental needs that were not met all those years ago can no longer be met and will need to be grieved.
What this illustrates is that if a woman is in a relationship with a man like this, it can seem as if he is the one with the issues, but it is not going to be this black and white. If she didn’t have her own corresponding wounds, she would not be with him.
What will have made it hard for her to realise is that she, like everyone else, will have a brain that represses pain, and it does this to allow her to keep it together and function. The information that would shed light on why she ended up with this man, and perhaps many other men who were the same, will be outside of her conscious awareness.
Now, when it comes to a man who is in this position who says that he wants to be this way, it is highly likely that this is his false self that is talking. Deep down, there is likely to be another part of him that doesn’t want to be this way and hates behaving in this way.
Nonetheless, this part of him, the part that will be his true self, will currently be outmuscled by this false self. For his true self to see the light of day, this false self will need to be weakened and gradually crumble.
Unlike his true self, this self won’t have anything to do with his needs, feelings, or wants and it won’t be connected to his body. This false self is likely to have been constructed during his developmental years.
At this stage of his life, he was probably deprived of a lot of the nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. The reason for this is that he probably had to be there for his mother, with her using him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
During this time, he wouldn’t have been able to change his mother’s behaviour or find another mother, he simply had to adapt to what was going on. This was when he would have disconnected from his true self, so this body, and automatically created a disconnected false self that would allow him to survive.
To use an analogy: if he had his own song when he was born, this song was soon replaced by his mother’s song. Not only this, but he would have ended up forgetting all about his song and ended up being comfortable playing his mother’s song.
Taking this into account, even if he does say that he wants to behave in this way, it will be a lie. That doesn’t mean that he is consciously lying, of course, it means that it is not coming from his true self; it is coming from his false self.
Clearly, when he was a child, he was too underdeveloped to make a choice about how to live his life and now that he is an adult, he is too estranged from himself to do so. His priority was to survive and as that meant being there for his mother, that’s what he had to do.
Now that he is an adult, he no longer needs to hide his true self to be able to survive but he is not going to realise this. Deep down, he is likely to believe that if he expresses who he is, he will be punished and disapproved or rejected and abandoned and that his life will come to an end.
This is why part of his ego structure will keep his true self hidden and do what it can to make sure that he continues to be there for his mother and doesn’t wake up. What this explains is why it can take something dramatic for a man like this to wake up.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.