So, if a man is in a position where he is entangled with his mother, he is not going to act as an individual; it will be as though he is an extension of her. Quite simply, his whole life will revolve around his mother.
He will then have his own body and, thus, the ability to live his own life, but he won’t have the desire to do so. What he will have the desire to do is to be there for his mother and to do what he can to please her.
Furthermore, this could just be what is normal, meaning that he might not even realise what is going on. As a result, this will just be how he behaves and there will be no reason for him to change his life.
This is not to say that behaving in this way won’t cause him to experience anger and frustration; no, what it is likely to mean is that he is likely to avoid how he feels. These feelings will be there to shed light on the fact that he is living in the wrong way.
Therefore, he will have his own life to lead but it will be as if he has put his own life to one side and decided, albeit unconsciously, to be there for his mother. He won’t need her to pay him or to force him to be there, as he will do this without having to be asked.
His life will be like a garden that hasn’t been watered for a number of weeks; it will be very deprived. Yet, as his mother will be the centre of his world and most of his energy will be directed towards her, how else would it be?
For his life to change he will need to focus less on his mothers life and more on his own life; this will give him the chance to create a fulfilling existence. Until this happens, he will continue to fuel mother’s life and neglect his own.
It is unlikely that his mother will encourage him to live his own life; she will probably be happy with what is going on. Most likely, it won’t even occur to her that her son is not living his own life and needs to spend less time doing things for her.
A Strange Scenario
Now, as he is an adult and has his own needs, he shouldn’t need his mother’s encouragement, or anyone else’s for that matter, to live his own life; this should be something that just takes place. He should have the need to live his own life and this need should be taken care of.
Due to what is going on for him, even if his mother was to encourage him to live his own life and he was to do this, this need wouldn’t be coming from within him. Once again, he would be doing what his mother wanted and he probably wouldn’t live a life that is in alignment with who he truly is.
Something Is Missing
As he doesn’t have the need to express who he is and to live his own life, it is likely to show that something isn’t right. There should be a strong force, or a fire, within him that gives him the need to activate himself and to live a life that reflects who he is.
Unless he reconnects to this fire and feels the need to assert himself, it won’t be possible for him to truly change. Of course, he can change to please another person, but this won’t be coming from his true self.
A Closer Look
The big question is: why is he not in touch with the part of him that will allow him to act like an autonomous human being? Most likely, this part of him has been covered up by many layers of pain.
The reason for this is that, during his early years, his mother probably used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. This would have meant that he had to lose touch with his needs and to take care of some of his mothers needs.
A Big Risk
If he expressed his needs very early on and tried to assert his will and act autonomously as time went by, he is likely to have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. The healthy need that he had, that would have given him the need to express himself, separate and exert his will, would have been split off.
It simply wasn’t safe for him to be in tune with himself and to become a separate individual. He had to disconnect from himself, remain in an enmeshed state and be who his mother wanted; someone who would be there for her and take care of her needs.
Many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but the fuel that will allow him to act like an autonomous being will continue to be out of his reach. For him to access this part of him, he will probably need to work through many layers of emotional pain and trauma.
Unfortunately, there is not a button that he can press that will get this part of him back online. For him to reconnect to this part of him, the desire will have to be there, and he will need to be patient and persistent.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.