In order for a man to live a life that is in alignment with who he is, he will need to be connected with his true self and feel comfortable expressing who he is. When it comes to his true self, this will relate to his needs, feelings and wants and most of these will be found in his body.
Therefore, when he lives a life like this, it will mean that he will have a good connection to his body and he will have felt sense of safety and security. If it wasn’t for this connection or the felt sense of safety and security, he wouldn’t be able to express who he is.
Now, if a man is in a position where he is enmeshed to his mother, he might not be in touch with his true self. This can mean that he will live in his head, on the surface of himself and won’t feel safe and secure being in his body.
His behaviour is then rarely, if ever, going to reflect what is taking place inside him and his life is not going to be in alignment with who he is. Still, this doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of the fact that he is living in the wrong way.
He is likely to have moments when he will feel frustrated, angry and down, but he might not pay too much attention to this feedback. Most likely, he will feel compelled to continue to behave in the same way.
This will show that he doesn’t have much of a relationship with himself and does what he can to ignore what is going on within him. His priority will be to do what he can to please others and his mother, in particular.
An External Focus
So, although he won’t be aware of most of his own needs, feelings and wants, this won’t be the case when it comes to his mother. He is likely to have a very good understanding of what her needs are and how she is feeling.
When he is not taking care of her needs, he could often think about what he can do for her. Thus, he will have his own body and his own life to lead, but it will be as if he is purely an extension of her.
An Exhausting Existence
In general, he could create the impression that he is both happy and happy to be there for others and his mother, in particular, but this will just be a facade. He will be neglecting himself and this will take a lot out of him.
There is likely to come a point in time when he simply can’t carry on living in this way. This could be the case after he has had a breakdown and no longer has the energy to be there for everyone apart from himself.
The trouble is that behaving in this way is likely to be what feels comfortable and if he does try to express himself, he could be flooded with guilt, shame and anxiety. So, while behaving in this way is not serving him, he will have a strong need to carry on behaving in the same way.
In a way, it will be as if he has an intruder inside him and this intruder has taken over, causing him to go against himself. At this point, it can seem strange as to why he wouldn’t be there for himself.
What this is likely to show is that his early years set him up to disconnect from himself and to be there for others. His mother probably used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
He would have become estranged from his true self and been forced to focus on his mothers needs. If he didn’t do what she wanted, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned.
He won’t have received what he needed to receive to grow and develop and will have stayed in a stunted state. The self that he has will be built on sand and who he really is will have been covered up.
The emotional pain and trauma that he has experienced, along with the defences that he has in place, will prevent him from simply being able to reconnect to himself. Like a diamond that has been covered up by many layers of dirt, his true self will have been covered up by many layers of inner material.
With this in mind, he will need to commit to the process of reconnecting to his true self as it won’t take place straight away. Still, by putting in the work and gradually developing this connection once again, he will be able to live a life that is in alignment with who he is.
This will be a life that is worth living as opposed to a life that doesn’t match up with who he is and is more of a curse than a blessing. The truth is that he is here to live his own life, not anyone else’s life.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.