Regardless of if a mother-enmeshed man comes across as strong and appears to have it all together, it is unlikely that he will feel strong and capable on the inside. Behind the mask that he may wear is likely to be someone who feels the complete opposite.
He could, of course, come across as weak and incapable, which will show that he hasn’t covered up what is really going on for him. In this case, both he and others will be aware of what is going on.
Then again, to say he will be aware of what is going on might be going a bit far. It might be more accurate to say that he will be connected to how he feels but that doesn’t mean that he will be aware of what is going on.
The reason for this is that how he feels can just be what is normal and this can stop him from being able to identify how he feels. Nonetheless, these feelings are still going to have a negative effect on him.
A Miserable Existence
As he feels this way, he is rarely going to do what he wants to do or to live a life that is fulfilling. He is likely to spend most of his time being there for his mother and doing what he can to meet her needs.
Consequently, he is likely to often feel down and depressed and as though he has no control over his life. His mother won’t have a remote that controls him and she won’t need one, as he will automatically be focused on and do things for her.
He is then going to look like a man but he certainly won’t feel like a man; he will be more like a powerless boy. At this point, it could seem strange as to why he would be this way; after all, he is a man, not a boy.
The stage of his life when he was a boy will be well and truly over, and, now that he is a man, he should be in his power and living his own life. The big question is: why is he this way?
Back In Time
To understand why he is this way, it will be necessary to take a closer look into what took place during his early years. Most likely, what took place at this stage of his life and the impact it had on him will be the reason why he is in such a bad way.
Instead of receiving the nurturance that he needed to be able to grow and develop, he was probably used by his mother to fulfil some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. To survive, he would have had to lose touch with most of his own needs and to be there for his mother.
A Brutal Experience
Thanks to how powerless and dependent he was, he wouldn’t have been able to walk away or stop what was going on. He had to simply tolerate it and this would have caused him to suffer greatly.
If he expressed his needs, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. So, while not expressing his needs wouldn’t have stopped this from taking place, it may have decreased the number of times that it did take place.
A stage of his life, then, when he should have received what he needed to grow and develop, would have been a stage of his life when he had to do his best to survive. He wasn’t equipped at this stage of his life to deal with all this pressure and trauma.
The outcome of this is that although his body will have grown, his emotional self will have remained underdeveloped. Not only this, but his emotional self will also be in a very bad way.
On His Knees
He probably won’t have been in a warzone and been severely beaten but he will have had a childhood that was like a warzone and this will have caused him to go from a broken boy to a broken man. Thus, a time in his life when he was totally defenceless and extremely vulnerable would have been a time when he was severely harmed.
The person or people, as in one way or another his father would have also played a part in what happened, who was supposed to love, care and protect him would have been the ones who did the most damage. They, who were probably totally unaware of what they were doing, would have committed the ultimate act of betrayal by harming him, and, as it was his parents who harmed him, he wouldn’t have had anywhere to turn.
It will naturally take time for him to rise up from the emotional hole that he is in. In the same way that someone who has just come back from a warzone can need a lot of support, he will also need a lot of support.
For one thing, he won’t just have “negative” thoughts to deal with; he will have a whole system that is in a traumatised state. However, unlike someone who has been in a warzone, he won’t have post-traumatic stress disorder; he will probably have complex post-traumatic stress disorder – and replacing the word ‘disorder’ with ‘response’ will better describe what is going on for him.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.