Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Controlled By His Unmet Developmental Need To Be Loved?

Not only could a man find it hard to understand why he is so focused on his mother but some of the people in his life could be just as confused. So, even if he is not currently in an intimate relationship, some of his friends and perhaps family members could also wonder what is going on.

There is even a chance that he became aware of what is going on after one of his friends or family members had a long conversation with him. Conversely, it might have taken a number of conversations for him to accept this.

A Mirror

One way of looking at this would be to say that it’s not that someone ‘out there’ just happened to ‘wake’ him up; it is that this person was a reflection of a part of himself. Part of him will then have been aware of what was going on but as he wasn’t able to acknowledge this part, it ended up being embodied by another person.

In other words, he is not simply observing reality; he is both the co-creator and observer of his reality. Fortunately, this part, a part that is able to see clearly, will have been able to get through to him indirectly.

Possessed

However, while he will have started to be able to see clearly, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his life. His life might be no different to how it was before, other than the fact that he is now aware of how out of balance he is.

His mind can then watch as his body still has a need to be there for his mother and to do what she wants, even if it has a negative impact on him. And, if he has been neglecting himself for as long as he can remember, he could be in a bad way.

Washed out

He could be in a position where he is mentally, emotionally and physically drained and doesn’t have a great deal of energy. But, as so much of his energy will be going toward his mother and he is unlikely to receive much in return, how else would he be?

If this is the case, the sooner he is able to start listening to himself, the better off he will be.  Nonetheless, thanks to how strong his need is to be there for his mother, he might have moments when he questions if his life will ever change.

Stepping Back

For him to find out why he feels compelled to be there for his mother, it will be a good idea for him to go deeper. To do this, he can imagine saying no after his mother has asked him to do something for her.

By doing this, he can find that he ends up feeling bad and anxious, with him soon having the need to go against his initial decision. This might soon allow him to settle down but it won’t aid in his own liberation.

The Next Step

Underneath the guilt and anxiety that he may experience can be a lot of deep pain. If he was to stick with how he feels then and didn’t abandon himself, he could soon feel as though he has been abandoned and that his life will come to an end.

Along with this, he can feel hopeless and helpless and experience a deep sense of despair. From this, what will stand out is that he will need to be there for his mother to feel supported and ensure his survival.

A Defence

On the one hand, being there for his mother is going to undermine him, but on the other, it will be a way for him to keep the lid on a lot of pain. Another part of this is that being there for his mother will be a way for him to try to receive the love that he is likely to have missed out on during his formative years.

If he was to stop being there for his mother and trying to be loved by her, this would cause him to come face to face with the fact that his mother probably can’t love him now and she probably couldn’t love him when he was younger. How he is behaving is then going to undermine him but it will allow him to keep it together and function as opposed to falling apart.

Back In Time

When it comes to his formative years, this may have been a time when his mother was unable to truly be there for him. This would have caused him to be deprived of the nutrients that he needed and greatly wounded him in the process.

Instead of being able to go through each development stage, he is likely to have stayed stuck at a certain stage of his development. The reason for this is that to handle the pain he experienced, his brain would have automatically repressed how he felt and he would have gone into a shut down state, and thereby, he wouldn’t have been able to take anything in and to grow and develop in the process.

A Brutal Time

Adapting in this way would have been his only option as he would have been powerless and totally dependent. Yet, even though he was unable to do anything, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what happened.

This is when his struggle to be loved by someone who couldn’t love him would have started. For him to have faced the reality of the situation would have been too much for him to handle.
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Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk