If a woman was to end up in a relationship with a man who is emotionally entangled with his mother, she could struggle to understand what is going on. It could seem strange as to why a grown man is so focused on his mother.
As he is a man, not a boy, there is going to be no reason for him to be this way. Now, this is not to say that he should turn his back on his mother, that’s unless she is totally toxic; it means that his life shouldn’t resolve around here.
A Frustrating Time
To make matters worse, the man might not even be aware of the fact that he is preoccupied with his mother and is neglecting himself. Therefore, if she was to end up speaking about what is going on, he could end up denying what she says.
Not only this, he could end up getting defensive and accusing her of being needy and/or as having something against his mother. If this was to take place, it will be crystal clear to her that the man is not going to change overnight, if at all.
It could take a number of months, if not longer, until he is able to see clearly and no longer be in denial. And, even if this was to take place, there could still be moments when this defence mechanism will take over.
Alternatively, due to how entrenched he is, he could end up staying this way for the rest of his life. This will show that this defence, and others, are very strong and the part of him that wants to live his own life is very weak.
A Different Angle
For his partner, or anyone else for that matter, to understand why he would be behaving in this way, she will need to forget that he is a man. Instead, she will need to pretend that he is a boy.
This is because although physically he won’t be a boy, emotionally be is likely to feel like a boy. By feeling this way, it will be normal for him to be overly preoccupied with his mother.
As a boy, his survival was dependent on his mother; without her, he wouldn’t have survived. He was emotionally empty and could only feel whole and complete if his mother was there for him.
Now that he is a man, due to how he feels, his survival will still be seen as something that is dependent on his mother. Also, to feel whole and complete, he will need to be around her or at the very least, to be in contact with her.
What’s going on?
At this point, she could wonder how he would still feel like a boy as he is now a man. She may believe that as he is now a man, it is time for him to grow up and to leave this stage of his life behind.
If she was to say something like this, it could be said that she is right; it will be time for him to move forward. The fact is that the longer he stays the way, the less time he will have on this planet to live his own life.
Back To Reality
However, although this is true, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to emotionally grow up and feel emotionally strong and capable as a result. This could be something that will take many, many years of serious work.
It won’t just be a case of him changing his thoughts and behaviour; he will have a lot of emotional pain to work through, among other things. If he was to purely change what is taking place on the surface, such as his thoughts and behaviour, he will probably just go from playing one role to playing another.
Back In Time
The reason he is emotionally stunted is likely to be due to what took place during his early years and the impact that this had on him. At this stage of his life, his mother probably used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
This would have meant that most of his needs would have generally been overlooked and he had to be there for his mother. Not receiving the right nutrients would have stopped him from being able to grow and develop.
Frozen In Time
Since that time, his physical and mental self will have grown but his emotional self won’t have. This part of him will be underdeveloped and it will carry all the pain that he experienced by not having his needs met.
Being focused on his mother and meeting her needs won’t allow him to receive what he missed out on but it will allow him to avoid the pain that he experienced by not getting his needs met. Deep down, he can believe that if he continues to behave in this way, she will finally fulfil his needs.
Thanks to how much pain he is carrying, a big part of him won’t want him to realise that this stage of his life is over and that these needs won’t be met. The trouble is that until he is able to face up to this, he will continue to waste his life.
Once he is able to face reality, he will have to gradually face the pain that is inside him. If he tried to face it all in one go, it would probably end up wiping him out and he could have a meltdown.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.