Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Engaging In A Struggle For Love?

If a man is in a position where he is seldom there for himself and spends a lot of time doing things for his mother, he is going to be depriving himself of what he needs. Based on how he behaves, it will be as though he doesn’t have many needs.

However, although this is something that may stand out to the outside observer, it doesn’t mean that this is something that he will be aware of. The reason for this is that he might not be aware of a number of his needs, and thus, he won’t realise that he is neglecting himself.

Missing Out

He is then going to be neglecting a number of his needs and this is going to have a negative impact on him. For example, he could often feel drained and very low but he might not look into why this is.

If he does reflect on how he often feels, he could end up coming to the conclusion that he suffers from depression, for instance. Yet focusing on his mother's needs will allow him to avoid what is truly going on for him – at least in the short term.

Stepping Back

If he is in a relationship, his partner could wonder why he behaves in this way and what he gets out of it. Conversely, this is something that one of his friends or family members could wonder.

Either way, it will be clear to them that he is neglecting himself and is suffering as a result. It could be clear to them that he needs to draw the line with his mother and start putting his own needs first.

A Hidden Benefit
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Clearly, if behaving in this way wasn’t serving him in some way, he wouldn’t behave in this way. Still, as he is giving a lot and receiving very little in return, it can be hard for someone to accept how this could be possible.

In all likelihood, he is trying to receive the love that he missed out on during his formative years. If so, this will be something that is taking place outside of his conscious awareness and, therefore, he won’t be aware of it.

Two Things

If he was to spend less time doing things for his mother and more time doing things for himself, he is likely to experience tension. This will then shed light on why he feels compelled to be there for his mother.

What will be clear at this stage is that not being there for her causes him to feel deeply uncomfortable. This will illustrate that in addition to having the need to be loved by her, he is also carrying a lot of pain that he needs to keep at bay.

Going Deeper

When it comes to why he is trying to receive the love that he missed out on during his formative years, it is likely to show that his mother was unable to truly be there for him. Instead, this is likely to have been a time when he had to be there for her instead.

Not receiving what he needed would have stopped him from being able to go through each developmental stage and it would have caused him to experience a lot of pain. Both the developmental needs that were not met and the pain that he experienced, as a result, would have been repressed by his brain.

Out of sight

But while these needs will have been repressed, they will have continued to exert an influence on his life. Ultimately, it would have been too painful for him to accept that his mother was unable to love him as a child, and, even though he is now an adult and far stronger, it will still be too painful.

This is then why he will feel compelled to be there for his mother, in order to try to receive what she was unable to give him all those years ago and can’t give him now. Trying to receive what can’t be received is then a way for him to avoid the truth; that he will never receive the love that he needed but missed out on as a child.

A Process

For him to gradually draw the line with his mother and live his own life, this is something that he will need to accept. But, due to how much pain he is going to be carrying, this is going to be something that will take time.

It is then not a case of him simply choosing to accept it and that’s the end of it; it is something that he needs to accept at an emotional level. For this to occur, he is likely to have many, many layers of pain to work through.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk