If a man, who is emotionally entangled with his mother, was to get into a relationship, it is likely to be as though he is with two people at the same time. This is because there will be the energy and attention that he directs towards his mother and the energy and attention that he directs towards his partner.
In the beginning, he might direct a fair amount of his energy and attention towards his partner. As a result of this, she might not be too concerned about how much he does for his mother.
She could also believe, at this stage, that he is simply taking care of his mother and is not doing anything that is abnormal. This could also be seen as a sign of how caring he is and how he would be with her if she needed his help.
Due to this, she can simply put any concerns that she may have to one side and continue to live her life. If she was to think about saying anything at this point, she could end up feeling guilty.
A Different Viewpoint
However, as time passes, she could start to feel as though she is sharing her partner with another woman. The other woman will be his mother but, thanks to how focused he is on her, it will seem as if she is more to him than this.
If this wasn’t his mother, then, it would be as though he is having an affair with another woman; this is how preoccupied he will be with her. Sooner or later, his partner could end up speaking up about her experience and how she feels.
After this has taken place, the man could dismiss and deny what she has said and make out that he is not too focused on his mother. He could end up accusing her of being needy and selfish.
If this was to take place, it will be clear that he hasn’t been able to see that he is out of balance and he won’t be willing to see that this is the case at this stage of his life either. This can show that he has more or less always behaved in this way and doesn’t realise that he is too focused on his mother.
Deep down, he will probably want to draw the line with his mother and spend less time doing things for her, to live his own life and for his primary relationship to be the one that he has with his partner. Nonetheless, he is likely to carry a lot of pain inside him and this pain will be what is behind his need to live in denial.
If he was to just think about listening to his own needs and implementing his boundaries with his mother, he could be filled with guilt and shame. He could also experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety.
He will neglect himself and his partner by living in this way but it will be what feels comfortable. Putting his mothers needs first and doing what he can to please her will be his priority.
Still, it wouldn’t be right to say that he is in a relationship with his mother; he will be more like her slave than her equal. He will give her a lot of his life force and his time, but he won’t receive a great deal from her.
A new reality
For his life to change he will need to “wake up”, so that he can see that he is far too focused on his mother and can start to implement his boundaries. If this was to take place, he will gradually be less involved with his mother, and, consequently, he will have more to give himself and his partner.
Now, if he was able to get to this point, he could wonder why he is so focused on his mother and unable to be there for himself and his partner. Most likely, this is due to what took place during his early years.
A Brutal Time
At this stage of his life, his mother probably used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. He would have had to lose touch with his true self, his needs and feelings, and to focus on his mothers needs.
If he didn’t, he would have most likely been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. So, he had to adapt to his mother as she was unable to adapt to him, and this would have caused him to suffer immensely and stopped him from being able to go through each developmental stage.
Replaying The Past
Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but he will continue to behave in the same way. He will no longer need to please his mother to survive, but a big part of him won’t realise this.
If he was to act as an individual and live his own life, he will come into contact with some of the pain that he experienced as a child whenever he tried to do the same thing. Therefore, if he wants to liberate himself, it will be essential for him to resolve this pain.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.