Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Too Underdeveloped To Act Like An Individual?

In order for a man to live a life that is worth living, he will need to be in tune with his own needs and feelings. Along with this, what is going on inside him will largely need to define how he behaves.

Being this way will allow him to live in a way that is in alignment with who he is. This doesn’t mean that he will constantly be walking around with a smile on his face and always feel alive and empowered; no, it means that he will know that he is living in the right way.

Another Reality

However, although this is the ideal, a man could live in a way that is radically different to his. He could be out of touch with what is taking place inside him and thus, what is taking place inside him won’t largely define how he behaves.

Being this way will stop him from being able to live in a way that is in alignment with who he is. This can mean that he will more or less always have a smile on his face but he certainly won’t feel alive and empowered; yet, he can believe that he is living in the right way.

His Focus

When it comes to whose needs he is in tune with and who defines how he behaves, it could be his mother. But, although she will be his mother, based on how he behaves, he will be more like her parent than her son.

Naturally, being there for her and neglecting himself is going to take its toll on him. He will have his own life to lead, and he won’t live forever, but he will act as though he is merely an extension of his mother.

Two Scenarios

Now, while some people will be able to see that he has abandoned himself, there will be others that are unable to do so. When it comes to the former, someone could wonder why he doesn’t just draw the line and live his own life.

As for the latter, someone could believe that he is doing the right thing by being there for his mother. What this may show is that they themselves believe that a child is responsible for their parent’s wellbeing.

The Next Stage

With this aside, he might not be aware of the fact that he is act more like his mother’s parent than her son. If this is the case, he could dismiss what another person says if they point out that he is neglecting himself.

After this has taken place, weeks, months, and even years could pass, without him being able to see clearly. Then again, if this was pointed out to him, he may or may not dismiss what has been said but he could soon wonder why he is this way.

A Road Block

What he might soon find, if he was able to connect to some of his needs, is that he is unable to just change his behaviour. If he imagines doing this let alone actually does this, he could experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety and guilt and shame.

But, if this is how he has behaved for most of his life, it is to be expected that there will be resistance. Thus, going from where he is to where he wants to be is going to take time.

A Closer Look

When it comes to why he is unable to simply listen to himself and act like a separate individual, it is likely to be due to what took place during his formative years. Throughout this stage of his life, his mother is likely to have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs.

If so, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to truly see him as a separate being and to be there for him. Irrespective of whether she was aware of it, she is likely to have seen him as someone who would provide her with some of what her parent or parents were unable to give her.

Deeply Deprived

The years will have passed and he will look different but, at an emotional level, he will be in a stunted state. He would then have been emotionally dependent as a child and will still be this way as an adult.

If he was able to emotionally attach to his mother and receive what he needed, he would have moved through this stage. As things stand, expecting him to break away from his mother and live his own life will be the same as expecting a small child to be able to break away from their parents and live their own life.

A Natural Outcome

Ultimately he will be whole and complete on the outside but he won’t feel whole and complete on the inside; he will be in a deeply wounded state. This is why it will take time for him to get to the stage where he can freely express himself and live his own life.

What he went through will have caused him to experience a lot of pain, and this pain will have been repressed. Facing and working through this pain will be a key part of what will allow him to slowly move forward.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk